11-27-2024, 06:37 AM
I don’t know what the purpose was for the zigzaggy layout, maybe to give an impression of your grandmother’s state of mind, maybe as a reflection of her flashes like the socks tumbling in the dryer. I felt like it interrupted the flow of the narrative.
I thought your initial descriptions of your grandmother could have been tightened up a bit, maybe something like “…in a polyester house dress covering skin as soft as the dress was bright, salt and pepper curls in gold hairpins.” Do away with a the repetitive “hers”. You’d be using “dress” twice but a dress and a gown are not really the same thing. Gown, when you consider the downhome kitchen environment, doesn’t really seem to fit.
I thought the next section was an excellent description of someone getting lost in thought. The use of the tumbling socks was inspired.
I really got the sense of someone woolgathering in your poem. I’ve been there, done that, and came back to the present just as she did.
All around, a good poem, that just needed to be tightened up in spots in my opinion.
I thought your initial descriptions of your grandmother could have been tightened up a bit, maybe something like “…in a polyester house dress covering skin as soft as the dress was bright, salt and pepper curls in gold hairpins.” Do away with a the repetitive “hers”. You’d be using “dress” twice but a dress and a gown are not really the same thing. Gown, when you consider the downhome kitchen environment, doesn’t really seem to fit.
I thought the next section was an excellent description of someone getting lost in thought. The use of the tumbling socks was inspired.
I really got the sense of someone woolgathering in your poem. I’ve been there, done that, and came back to the present just as she did.
All around, a good poem, that just needed to be tightened up in spots in my opinion.