11-14-2024, 04:43 AM
(11-12-2024, 03:50 PM)carahmellow Wrote: Static - consider different title as 'static' is mentioned a couple of times within the poem. A well considered title can sometimes make a lot of difference to a poemHi Carah, I enjoyed the poem on the whole and the concept that you were portraying, I just left a few notes above.
The static in my mind is constant, - I like the contradiction in this line, the idea of something 'static' being 'constant'
Always a reminder - 'always' seems redundant here because of 'constant'
Of the clarity others feel—
Their ability to listen while I try to conceal
The fact that information goes in one ear
And out the other. - 'in one ear...' bit cliché
I’m always in,
I'm always out,
Trying to keep my brain from shorting out. - I like this as a refrain with the possible slight alteration
It’s relentless. - possibly seems redundant
I sit ready to learn;
This time will be different.
Again, I feel my stomach churn
At the realization
That my imagination
Won. - not so sure about this stanza, careful of forced rhyme for the sake of it
“Get up, Carah. Get shit done. - because the poem is definitely about the narrator then I don't think you need to mention your name. On all three occasions you use it in the poem it would work equally as well without it. It's your choice you may have a reason for making it personal
Your house won’t clean itself.”
It’s a brick wall
Standing in my way,
As if to say, “Just wait…
Wait another day.”
The static in my mind is constant.
Always there,
Pushing away the rest,
Like an unwanted guest
Hijacking my consciousness,
Controlling me.
I try to regain
My stubborn brain,
Grab it with both hands
and wrestle it to the ground,
But I am weak;
My confidence is bleak. - this stanza seems awkward, the idea of grabbing your brain and wrestling it to the ground with both hands is odd. I know what you mean, you can wrestle with your mind (which would be a cliché), but are there other ways of expressing this.
“Just work harder, Carah.
Listen.
Just make it your mission.”
But without conscious volition,
I fade away. - I think this stanza could be trimmed and joined with the next stanza which is good.
Fade into that place
Where fantasy takes up space,
Inspiration takes hold, - repetition of takes could be better changed
Questions unfold,
And creativity is bold.
That addictive daze,
That unconscious haze,
So bright and vividly burning. - really like this stanza, it reads smoothly and seems to be the essence of what the poem is
Then—
Snap!
I’m back,
Back to the shame,
The frustration with my brain,
The relentless blame.
“It’s your fault, Carah.
Just focus.”
Cheers for the read
wae aye man ye radgie
