10-14-2024, 12:07 PM
(10-13-2024, 05:28 PM)libra Wrote: Oh lol, sorry BrynNo worries. thanks for coming back and commenting again. I made some changes that address some of yours and other's concerns, but not all of them.
I totally missed it!
*
Squat, and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant,
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness this is a nice line
a wash across the tongue; peel coverings the word 'wash' doesn't work for me, it reminds me of washing/showering, may just be me though - 'tongue tingling?' 'surging across the tongue?'
left forgotten abandoned.
How delicious it is
to want wanting another.
*
I made some edits which I thought made it smoother, but obviously this is all subjective. The heart of the poem is much the same though. It does feel tighter than the previous version, yet I do feel there could be much more sexual intensity or desire here.
Take care,
Bryn

