09-16-2024, 09:47 PM
Hi Steve-
At risk of piling on ....
Sharing the Last Mandarin maybe 'an Orange' ?? Yes, a Madarin is a type of orange, but
just going with 'an Orange' would resolve a later issue I comment on, below:
Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant, skin 'orange' stops me cold every time I read it
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh don't need the repetition of 'skin', me thinks
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten How delicious it is the bolded part could be left out
wanting another.
You know me, the fewer the words, the better the effect, and that is particularly true of this one. Re-working the line breaks would be necessary, too. A little less and it could be a gorgeous poem (for me).
Mark
At risk of piling on ....
Sharing the Last Mandarin maybe 'an Orange' ?? Yes, a Madarin is a type of orange, but
just going with 'an Orange' would resolve a later issue I comment on, below:
Squat and plump, inviting
skin orange so pliant, skin 'orange' stops me cold every time I read it
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh don't need the repetition of 'skin', me thinks
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue; coverings
left forgotten How delicious it is the bolded part could be left out
wanting another.
You know me, the fewer the words, the better the effect, and that is particularly true of this one. Re-working the line breaks would be necessary, too. A little less and it could be a gorgeous poem (for me).
Mark