Sharing the Last Mandarin(edit 2)

[Knot]

Hi Bryn.

May I ask what it is about the first bit that you don't like?
Ask away.
I think it helps the reader get into the scene a little with the visual, then some tactile sensory and on to the taste.
Well, the title tells me what the fruit is so the opening line isn't adding anything. Then there's the question, and obviously everyone will have their own preferences, of just how enticing the word 'squat' is. For me, not very. And since the colour of the skin has little (if anything) to do with whether it's pliant or not, again it's unnecessary.


I find it to be, well...delicious!  So fun to say, a little randy sounding plus it offers some nice enjambment, IMO.
If it works for you keep it. I think it's a good final couplet, the enjambment works, but maybe there's a little more savouring to do before you reach it?

Something by way of an example (not a serious suggestion)

so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent becomes sweetness
a wash across the tongue;
and the eyes closing
on a memory of the first time
...
...
...

How delicious it is
wanting another.


Best, Knot

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