09-14-2024, 12:07 AM
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Hi Namyh.
Not a promising start, but I enjoyed the tale once it got going.
It really needs some work doing though, but should polish up very nicely.
(It's things like dry pain hurting, buckled to my knees, rued to doubt, unnecessary commas, etc.)
But then there's the bottle/jug mystery. Are they one and the same? If separate then that needs making clear - you could do that by changing one line:
In the box I found a jug and a bottle full of water.
(though why would you need both?)
Which leads to the riddle of the signs: if 'don't drink' is the 'top sign' (on either the bottle or the jug) what stops the wander simply reading the 'bottom sign' then and there? Especially as it is, as you describe, a 'clear sign.'
They can follow the relatively complex instructions (complex given how desperately thirsty they are) but not read what else is written on the jug/bottle?
I think it's fixable, just get your thinking cap on
One small suggestion. You might change 'bathed' to 'cooled (given all the earlier heat references) as I'm not sure there's much difference between 'bathed' and 'wallowed' in this context.
Best, Knot
.
Hi Namyh.
Not a promising start, but I enjoyed the tale once it got going.
It really needs some work doing though, but should polish up very nicely.
(It's things like dry pain hurting, buckled to my knees, rued to doubt, unnecessary commas, etc.)
But then there's the bottle/jug mystery. Are they one and the same? If separate then that needs making clear - you could do that by changing one line:
In the box I found a jug and a bottle full of water.
(though why would you need both?)
Which leads to the riddle of the signs: if 'don't drink' is the 'top sign' (on either the bottle or the jug) what stops the wander simply reading the 'bottom sign' then and there? Especially as it is, as you describe, a 'clear sign.'
They can follow the relatively complex instructions (complex given how desperately thirsty they are) but not read what else is written on the jug/bottle?
I think it's fixable, just get your thinking cap on
One small suggestion. You might change 'bathed' to 'cooled (given all the earlier heat references) as I'm not sure there's much difference between 'bathed' and 'wallowed' in this context.
Best, Knot
.