09-11-2024, 05:49 AM
[quote="Knot" pid='271055' dateline='1725976767']
Hi Bryn,
I like the idea but it falls a little flat, for me. The way things are spelled out in the final three lines leaves the reader nothing to do. And that a citrus fruit should smell of citrus is no revelation. What would happen if you started from here
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent is a sweetness
on the tongue
and kept going?
Best, Knot
Of course your arrangement is annoyingly good.
I will keep working at it.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Bryn
Hi Bryn,
I like the idea but it falls a little flat, for me. The way things are spelled out in the final three lines leaves the reader nothing to do. And that a citrus fruit should smell of citrus is no revelation. What would happen if you started from here
so easily undressed-
tip of thumb working
the cleft of skin and flesh
where scent is a sweetness
on the tongue
and kept going?
Best, Knot
Of course your arrangement is annoyingly good.
I will keep working at it.Thanks for reading and commenting.
Bryn