09-11-2024, 05:03 AM
Standard practice is to have the edited version called out as an edit, and previous versions in the body text below, as themselves, or hidden by spoiler tags. It helps the reader navigate, and sometimes there's content in an older version which sounds better, and crits can refer to that more easily.
Coming to the changed version, individual tastes will differ, but my preference was for the original version. I thought it was perfect as it was. The current 'apiary apples' comes across as trying too hard to say something clever. It's also quite a mouthful (pun unintended).
The only thing I would say to the original - and I picked it up from Knot's crit - is that yes, the 'crunch crunch' may be replaced. If you take it out, the poem has a slightly darker ending, but retains its cleverness. If you leave it in, it's a fun and delightful read (and perhaps that's why you posted it in Fun). Both options are fine: they just have different effects.
Coming to the changed version, individual tastes will differ, but my preference was for the original version. I thought it was perfect as it was. The current 'apiary apples' comes across as trying too hard to say something clever. It's also quite a mouthful (pun unintended).
The only thing I would say to the original - and I picked it up from Knot's crit - is that yes, the 'crunch crunch' may be replaced. If you take it out, the poem has a slightly darker ending, but retains its cleverness. If you leave it in, it's a fun and delightful read (and perhaps that's why you posted it in Fun). Both options are fine: they just have different effects.