A Snack - Revision

[Valerie Please]

Knot,
I have to ask you at this point: why do you hate the word snatching so much? Grabbing, grasping are ok but they aren’t snatching. Snatching is fast and greedy and selfish. Pinning isn’t even the same thing. There’s probably more to argue about here, but this resistance to snatching kind of fascinates me. Is it the double entendre? I have to know.

Xo,
Val

quote="Knot" pid='271052' dateline='1725972457']
Hi Val,

rather more miss than hit, for me.

A praying mantis

scaled a knockout rose

snatching the intoxicated bees ............... bit bothered by scaled/snatching (tenses.) Why not

A praying mantis

scales a knockout rose

pinning the intoxicated bees

?

— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!

He grew fat feasting,

scaling up in size

munching at apiary apples .................... I prefer the original, this just seems unnecessarily convoluted (in it's phrasing) and 'scaling up in size' (first 'scaled' now 'scaling' but in S3, nothing?) seems to be in the wrong place. To me it refers to the transition from the mantis to 'you'.

growing fat

crunching

bees like apples

?

— His cold stare straight into my eyes. ........ tad odd, grammatically isn't it? And 'cold stare' is too much the cliche.

Now you stare at me,

the apple of my eye,

the pull on my heart string,

the bee hum in my chest,

— Crunch, crunch. .............................. I know you see it as a punchline, but it isn't, for me. It feels tonally wrong. (And why does this verse have an extra line? You really don't need 'heart string'.)

Now you stare at me,

the apple of my eye

the bee-hum in my chest

— and bite.

?

Best, Knot

.
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