A Snack - Revision

[Valerie Please]

Knot,

It's good feedback. I think that I do need to make the first and second stanzas more coherent with each other . . . crunch crunch is the punchline, but I'll think about it without. Thank you for the read and the response.

xo,
Val

Hi Valerie.

Enjoyed, though I think, perhaps, the 'crunch crunch' at the end it a step too far. It undercuts the excellent preceding line (which would be a much, much better final line.) Besides, you have 'crunching' earlier. That said, f you must crunch, the perhaps that's the title?
Bee hum is great (as has been mentioned) - reminded me of 'bee-loud' from Yeat's Lake Isle of Innisfree (perhpas you might hyphenate it?)

A praying mantis
scaled a knockout rose
— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!
snatching the .......................wondered if there's anything better than 'snatching' (even 'grabbing' might be an improvement. Possibly 'reaching / for the intoxicated bees'? Ending the line with 'the' seems ... odd, given you have 'luxuriating' in the next verse. )
intoxicated bees

He grew fat feasting,
luxuriating,
— He stared straight into my eyes.
crunching bees
like apples

Just like you
stare at me,
vacant and hard,
the apple of my eye,
the flutter of my heart, ..........do you need this line? It's the weakest of the three and I don't think you need the cliche, not after the preceding line.)
the bee hum in my chest.


'Vacant and hard' is nice, but maybe this verse also needs an aside, like the previous two? Might it be tweaked in that direction?


Best, Knot


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