09-09-2024, 07:27 AM
I hate to be agreeable, but I agree with Knot and I don't really get what we're driving at, except that pigs get bought and eaten.
I'm wondering if it would be stronger if you did play more with the original . . . you mentioned that nursery rhymes are compact, but this is not compact.
A Tale of Five Piggies
The first goes to market
dressed like a buyer
and is bid on,
bought
and butchered
before noon.
(So ok there's a role reversal, he goes in like a player, comes out dinner . . .To play with the original, could you say "This little pig went to market like a player and came out butchered before noon." I know "player" sounds American and God knows I wouldn't want you to do that. But it drives the point home without fussing around).
The second stays home
till we fatten her up.
(Now I feel like there isn't enough here. What about "this skinny piggy stays home til we fill out her pork chops" or something like that. A little color but still direct.)
The next is a porky,
parody of a pig
and has roast beef
with fatty drippings
over Yorkshires
and mash
in hopes of filling
his missing brother’s
part of the pen.
(Ok . . . so I guess he eats his feelings? He misses his brother and he eats his feelings? Why is he a parody? Is it because he eats his feelings? So maybe something like "This little piggy eats his feelings so he had roast beef and fatty drippings over Yorkshires while sobbing over his brother's empty pen." This would make it the longest stanza, but it makes it count because then the long list of food is funnier.)
The fourth will have none of it;
fat bastard needs to be trim
before Sunday.
(Why does he need to be trim by Sunday? Is he like the Sporty Spice of the piggy lineup? See, I can do British references. "This bastard piggy is ready to smash the parkrun" or idk, because I'm just guessing about what his motivation is. If he wants to escape, maybe "This bastard piggy passes the potatoes and preps to run."
The last little piggy
though plump in her pics,
was nothing
a keen-eyed
butcher would buy.
(Oh Jesus..."And THIS little piggy was trying to catfish some market love but the butchers saw through her skinny shabby game." Now I'm just translating it into Americanese. Fuck.)
She wee-wee’d her way
all the way home
to an empty pantry
and a table set
by hungry mouths.
(I really like this "table set by hungry mouths" line. Don't change that.)
(I doubt this helped, but I hope I made you laugh. I'll post something and you can rip it up. )
xo,
Val
[/quote]
I'm wondering if it would be stronger if you did play more with the original . . . you mentioned that nursery rhymes are compact, but this is not compact.
A Tale of Five Piggies
The first goes to market
dressed like a buyer
and is bid on,
bought
and butchered
before noon.
(So ok there's a role reversal, he goes in like a player, comes out dinner . . .To play with the original, could you say "This little pig went to market like a player and came out butchered before noon." I know "player" sounds American and God knows I wouldn't want you to do that. But it drives the point home without fussing around).
The second stays home
till we fatten her up.
(Now I feel like there isn't enough here. What about "this skinny piggy stays home til we fill out her pork chops" or something like that. A little color but still direct.)
The next is a porky,
parody of a pig
and has roast beef
with fatty drippings
over Yorkshires
and mash
in hopes of filling
his missing brother’s
part of the pen.
(Ok . . . so I guess he eats his feelings? He misses his brother and he eats his feelings? Why is he a parody? Is it because he eats his feelings? So maybe something like "This little piggy eats his feelings so he had roast beef and fatty drippings over Yorkshires while sobbing over his brother's empty pen." This would make it the longest stanza, but it makes it count because then the long list of food is funnier.)
The fourth will have none of it;
fat bastard needs to be trim
before Sunday.
(Why does he need to be trim by Sunday? Is he like the Sporty Spice of the piggy lineup? See, I can do British references. "This bastard piggy is ready to smash the parkrun" or idk, because I'm just guessing about what his motivation is. If he wants to escape, maybe "This bastard piggy passes the potatoes and preps to run."
The last little piggy
though plump in her pics,
was nothing
a keen-eyed
butcher would buy.
(Oh Jesus..."And THIS little piggy was trying to catfish some market love but the butchers saw through her skinny shabby game." Now I'm just translating it into Americanese. Fuck.)
She wee-wee’d her way
all the way home
to an empty pantry
and a table set
by hungry mouths.
(I really like this "table set by hungry mouths" line. Don't change that.)
(I doubt this helped, but I hope I made you laugh. I'll post something and you can rip it up. )
xo,
Val
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