09-05-2024, 05:51 AM
Hi Wjames!
I think this poem could use more voice, so the audience can better understand their perspective. Why is the speaker struggling? Is this normal for the speaker?
I think the line about the woman on the stair climber may be a bit confusing for readers. If the tears are metaphorical or if the statement is semi-satirical, it might be best to expand on this to cement your purpose. Additionally, I think you could experiment more with the imagery used. Can the speaker hear the gymgoers hitting the punching bags, sweat dripping onto the speckled black rubber floor? Can they taste the emptiness of the smoothie without the usual banana?
I liked how you incorporated the theme of the gym as a negative space, as it's not a concept that I see often. I'd love to see what you do next with this.
I think this poem could use more voice, so the audience can better understand their perspective. Why is the speaker struggling? Is this normal for the speaker?
I think the line about the woman on the stair climber may be a bit confusing for readers. If the tears are metaphorical or if the statement is semi-satirical, it might be best to expand on this to cement your purpose. Additionally, I think you could experiment more with the imagery used. Can the speaker hear the gymgoers hitting the punching bags, sweat dripping onto the speckled black rubber floor? Can they taste the emptiness of the smoothie without the usual banana?
I liked how you incorporated the theme of the gym as a negative space, as it's not a concept that I see often. I'd love to see what you do next with this.