After the Sertraline

[brynmawr1]

After the Sertraline

Where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo,

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

I think if you change the second 'where' to 'when' it works.  That gives it a time stamp of before and after.  Technically, both 'wheres' should be 'whens', but changing the second works better, IMO.  AND, that is a hard pause after 'boo'.  Some sort of wimpy comma isn't cutting it.  Either get rid of the punctuation all together, which would work, or use an emdash, semicolon, or (gasp) a period.  Which, the period best, would emphasize the 'Now'.


Alright, I'm softening on the 'the' in the title.  No I'm not.  That was close.  It doesn't even work as a first line.  I will admit it is not a major issue.  I defer to others, other than you.

Bryn