(08-25-2024, 10:26 AM)Collapsed We Swear Wrote: Oh, where do I even start with your latest “masterpiece”? This poem is a staggering achievement in the art of making something incredibly forgettable. It’s almost as if you set out to create the most unremarkable verse possible—and, congratulations, you’ve succeeded beyond all expectations.
Thanks Collapsed, I'd hardly call it a masterpiece though
Your tone is a marvel of inconsistency. One moment you’re having a casual chat, and the next, you’re trying to deliver a deeply moving reflection. It’s almost impressive how you’ve managed to confuse these two approaches so thoroughly. Bravo for that remarkable feat of disjointedness.
Yes the loss of someone can be disjointing
And let’s talk about your love for repetition. The way you keep asking, “Oh Nick whered you go?” as if saying it over and over will somehow add depth or meaning is truly something. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. It just makes the reader want to scream, “We got it the first time!”
Repetition is tough to deal with, I only started trying to use it when I found this site, lots of forms are rigid with their repetition, I was going for haphazard
Your poem’s ability to wander aimlessly is truly an art form. It’s like you’ve perfected the art of going nowhere with impressive flair. The lack of structure is almost liberating, allowing your poem to drift without any hint of direction or purpose. It’s free verse at its most unfocused.
The musical accompaniment is exactly that as well, 13/8
The imagery in your work is as vivid as a foggy night during a blackout. Lines like “Ol Nick went out there on his own” are so bland and vague that they make a blank wall look like a work of art. I can only assume you were going for minimalism, but it feels more like a complete lack of effort.
Yes that's why it's in intensive, to figure out how to deliver these things better.
The grammatical and spelling errors are a delightful touch. Who knew that “whered” and “ones” could become such charming quirks? It’s almost as if you deliberately avoided proper punctuation and spelling to make your poem even more enigmatic.
Right you can hear it
Your narrative is a masterclass in ambiguity. If your goal was to make me utterly baffled about who Nick is, why he matters, or what happened to him, then you’ve absolutely nailed it. The lack of context is a bold choice—one that leaves the reader wandering in a state of confusion.
Nick drowned it says it in the middle
And let’s not forget your attempt at evoking emotion, which is about as successful as a lead balloon. The themes of loss and mystery are handled with all the depth of a kiddie pool, leaving the reader feeling more puzzled than moved.
You got the themes though, what are you puzzled about
In short, your poem is a shining example of how to miss the mark on every front. If you’re looking for a prime illustration of doing the absolute minimum, look no further. You’ve truly outdone yourself.
The mark was literally 'how do I carve this nonsense into something decent' and I took advice, you havnt given any advice so I'm assuming you don't know how to carve this slab into something beautiful, something I admit I'm working on, here in intensive, so while I would thank you for the time, you clearly didn't spend any
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches