crying uncle

[Mark A Becker]

[quote="Mark A Becker" pid='270479' dateline='1724249477']
Hey Mark,
I admire your ability to carry the metaphor throughout the piece.  But you rely a lot on cliche to keep it going after the first couplet.  Which can be fine but it makes an otherwise poignant piece a little kitchy.  It might be better served by abandoning form and letting the content dictate more.
take care,
bryn

Hi Steve from Brynmar-
I pared down to mitigate the kitch... I hope.

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Hey Mark. On first read I had similar thoughts to Bryn. "Pennies on the dollar" in particular is a cliche that I doubt you'd let pass in another's poem. I think this could be strong if you pushed yourself to say less and trust your readers more. 

these last 2 lines are tougher to tackle because I'm struggling with their meaning
in your counterfeit idea of family.

Thanks Paul-
I cashed in most of the cliches. Spoiler: those last two lines relate to being viewed as a kind of bank within an extended family.

I aprreciate the advice to edit down, and you know me- I could probably reduce it to spare change.

... Mark