08-19-2024, 08:12 AM
There’s a death factory at the end of our road. Good opening This references the care home that sits at the end of out road, that is silently visited by ambulances through the week. And I can see that now that you have explained, but you shouldn't have to. The reader should get it from the writing, title, etc.
in the dead of the morning, in the heat of the night. These come across as cliche to me This flowed out of me but is probably a bit redundant Not redundant. "Dead" has some resonance, maybe use dead in the next phrase as well?
Maybe it’s better, this cascade of memory, not sure where the memory comes from This references the onset of dementia, the memory collapsing into itself. Again, no context to get that.
still sharp as a tack, still blunt as a knife. not sure what 'blunt as a knife' means since knives are sharp, generally I had recently visited my mother, who though is 82 and in poor health, has had no cognitive decline (and is very plain speaking, hence the blunt), and I wondered at the time which is better, awareness or unawareness, as one approaches the end of one's life. So, in the right context this is clever and might be on me but, to my reading, this first stanza has no context what so ever.
Frank Ocean singing, no sign of pupation. awkward continuation of the cocoon metaphor that doesn't add. not everything needs to be clever. I don't know, I quite like this passage, as it describes the safeness I feel in the car, listening to music, which is something I enjoy very much That I got. i just didn't find it compelling. Maybe 'no desire for pupation'?
he still in the fecund of growing; fecund also not the right word I think it is, but I am not using it as an adjective, as would be usual went over it again. still a no for me.
crisscross the horizon, accusing the nonchalant sky. not sure how a sky can be nonchalant I am projecting emotions on to unemotional entity, but I preferred nonchalant to uncaring, but then I might be trying to hard This might be just me, but these sort of things also seem nonsensical to me and need to be done very carefully or are meaningless.
Willow’s song plays Alright, who's Willow? This is an allusion to The Wicker Man, and the song that Willow sings in it as she tries to seduce the Policeman, that I was a bit obsessed about at the time
a song of seduction, a song of redemption. like this line and the next
If only he’d listened, the zealot, the fool. though this line has no context, so loses some of its power. It has context if you recognize the above reference, as the Policeman's life would have been spared if he had gone to Willow (and lost his virginity). On such moments and decisions are live revolve. Like I said, I like these lines. now with context I'm not sure how they relate to this poem as i understand it.
The Vampire’s kiss, as cold as the sun, now back to the non-sensical juxtapositions. Suns are hot so when you write cold as a sun you are just saying it's hot. Now if you wrote, 'a cold sun' that's different. I think in poetry, we are allowed to make such juxtapositions, no? I would say better to avoid, but I am no expert. Maybe something to post in a discussion forum.
Cheers,
James
[/quote]
Hi James,
I guess that is the old age question of art. Do you make it your own, be damned of anyone else, or do you try to connect with any many as possible. i think the best do both, and it is no small feat, which is why those that do are the best. There is a lot that happens in this poem. As far as a funeral poem, it could start at S2. No need to make anything a secret if want to rework S1.
Take care,
bryn
in the dead of the morning, in the heat of the night. These come across as cliche to me This flowed out of me but is probably a bit redundant Not redundant. "Dead" has some resonance, maybe use dead in the next phrase as well?
Maybe it’s better, this cascade of memory, not sure where the memory comes from This references the onset of dementia, the memory collapsing into itself. Again, no context to get that.
still sharp as a tack, still blunt as a knife. not sure what 'blunt as a knife' means since knives are sharp, generally I had recently visited my mother, who though is 82 and in poor health, has had no cognitive decline (and is very plain speaking, hence the blunt), and I wondered at the time which is better, awareness or unawareness, as one approaches the end of one's life. So, in the right context this is clever and might be on me but, to my reading, this first stanza has no context what so ever.
Frank Ocean singing, no sign of pupation. awkward continuation of the cocoon metaphor that doesn't add. not everything needs to be clever. I don't know, I quite like this passage, as it describes the safeness I feel in the car, listening to music, which is something I enjoy very much That I got. i just didn't find it compelling. Maybe 'no desire for pupation'?
he still in the fecund of growing; fecund also not the right word I think it is, but I am not using it as an adjective, as would be usual went over it again. still a no for me.
crisscross the horizon, accusing the nonchalant sky. not sure how a sky can be nonchalant I am projecting emotions on to unemotional entity, but I preferred nonchalant to uncaring, but then I might be trying to hard This might be just me, but these sort of things also seem nonsensical to me and need to be done very carefully or are meaningless.
Willow’s song plays Alright, who's Willow? This is an allusion to The Wicker Man, and the song that Willow sings in it as she tries to seduce the Policeman, that I was a bit obsessed about at the time
a song of seduction, a song of redemption. like this line and the next
If only he’d listened, the zealot, the fool. though this line has no context, so loses some of its power. It has context if you recognize the above reference, as the Policeman's life would have been spared if he had gone to Willow (and lost his virginity). On such moments and decisions are live revolve. Like I said, I like these lines. now with context I'm not sure how they relate to this poem as i understand it.
The Vampire’s kiss, as cold as the sun, now back to the non-sensical juxtapositions. Suns are hot so when you write cold as a sun you are just saying it's hot. Now if you wrote, 'a cold sun' that's different. I think in poetry, we are allowed to make such juxtapositions, no? I would say better to avoid, but I am no expert. Maybe something to post in a discussion forum.
Cheers,
James
[/quote]
Hi James,
I guess that is the old age question of art. Do you make it your own, be damned of anyone else, or do you try to connect with any many as possible. i think the best do both, and it is no small feat, which is why those that do are the best. There is a lot that happens in this poem. As far as a funeral poem, it could start at S2. No need to make anything a secret if want to rework S1.
Take care,
bryn