08-13-2024, 08:44 PM
Hi Alex,
I like a ballad and this is an interesting subject for one. However, for me it's a tad long and feels (largely because of the length, I suspect) a bit unfocused.
A small-ish point, but I don't find the ending that convincing given the opening verse (especially L4, if no-one cared then that must, presumably include Mom?)
Similarly
I think I'll just lie down now
Writing these words as a final plea
The ending act of my life
A swan song for all to read
who is N writing to if everyone has left? Also, if (as S1 says) 'not a single person ever cared' why does N think anyone will now. Who'll read/care about their 'swan song'?
Also, that final line of the poem feels like you're quoting Shirley Manson/Garbage.
The title promised something a bit more ... meaty than what is delivered. There are lot of abstract nouns and familiar metaphors, which don't really drawn this reader in - for instance, Eight years of needs not met sounds like something from a clinician's report. The piece would, I think, benefit from concrete examples.
Given the title, the introduction of pills gave me pause.
I don't, by any means, think this is a disaster, but I'll return to my original point, it/you needs to be clearer about what it is trying to achieve.
Best, Knot
.
I like a ballad and this is an interesting subject for one. However, for me it's a tad long and feels (largely because of the length, I suspect) a bit unfocused.
A small-ish point, but I don't find the ending that convincing given the opening verse (especially L4, if no-one cared then that must, presumably include Mom?)
Similarly
I think I'll just lie down now
Writing these words as a final plea
The ending act of my life
A swan song for all to read
who is N writing to if everyone has left? Also, if (as S1 says) 'not a single person ever cared' why does N think anyone will now. Who'll read/care about their 'swan song'?
Also, that final line of the poem feels like you're quoting Shirley Manson/Garbage.
The title promised something a bit more ... meaty than what is delivered. There are lot of abstract nouns and familiar metaphors, which don't really drawn this reader in - for instance, Eight years of needs not met sounds like something from a clinician's report. The piece would, I think, benefit from concrete examples.
Given the title, the introduction of pills gave me pause.
I don't, by any means, think this is a disaster, but I'll return to my original point, it/you needs to be clearer about what it is trying to achieve.
Best, Knot
.