08-10-2024, 09:18 PM
Hi Bryn,
I don't think either 'calls' or massaging' are pulling their weight. Not sure that 'seductive repose' is an improvement either. (Would a beach chair's seduction work? Or even the languor of a beach chair?)
Perhaps a bit of repetition might help with S2?
Sand in towels. Sand on clothes,
though mostly the sand is underfoot
... ?
As for that beach chair, might it be in the wrong verse?
a beach chair’s seductive repose.
Games and puzzles and wine-
The useful idleness
of anonymous days.
Wondered about 'accounted for' instead of 'measured'?
Best, Knot
.
I don't think either 'calls' or massaging' are pulling their weight. Not sure that 'seductive repose' is an improvement either. (Would a beach chair's seduction work? Or even the languor of a beach chair?)
Perhaps a bit of repetition might help with S2?
Sand in towels. Sand on clothes,
though mostly the sand is underfoot
... ?
As for that beach chair, might it be in the wrong verse?
a beach chair’s seductive repose.
Games and puzzles and wine-
The useful idleness
of anonymous days.
Wondered about 'accounted for' instead of 'measured'?
Best, Knot
.