08-09-2024, 10:24 PM
Hi James,
like the conceit, and the ending works well, but I think it could stand a bit of editing.
Also, you reference 'skin' frequently - do Scarecrows have skin? And 'straw' is mentioned too often for my taste.
The title tells one what it's about, so al lot of the descriptions seem redundant. That said, at one point the speaker denies they are a scarecrow but never explores what they think they might be.
Scarecrow
When I was a child
my feet were made of straw.
Knuckle deep I explored this
thinking how the wicked witch .......... do you need 'wicked witch'? Would 'she' work?
said the last to go will see
the first three go before. .................... did the scarecrow meet the witch when he was a child?
But I am not a scarecrow
nor a scared crow, standing static
in the bone-white moonlight,
crucified for no purpose, ....................... like these four lines, but don't see how they fit in with the rest.
waiting on some random waif
to come along and save me. ..................... 'random' seems a tad too modern(?)
I take a thread and needle
and sow up the rough-edged skin, .............. maybe 'sack-cloth' for 'rough-edged'?
Taking my mother's blood-red picker,
I unpick the threads around my chest .......... like it, but don't see how it follows from what precedes it?
Peeling back each fold to find
where my heart should reasonably be,
a family of field mice,
asleep within my breast.
In a nest of woven, golden wheat they lie,
their tiny bodies sighing.
With every straw-filled breath they take,
I think they stop me dying. ........................ these (8) lines are really nice, but can't see how you get to them from where you start. (Anything better than 'straw-filled breath'?)
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot
.
like the conceit, and the ending works well, but I think it could stand a bit of editing.
Also, you reference 'skin' frequently - do Scarecrows have skin? And 'straw' is mentioned too often for my taste.
The title tells one what it's about, so al lot of the descriptions seem redundant. That said, at one point the speaker denies they are a scarecrow but never explores what they think they might be.
Scarecrow
When I was a child
my feet were made of straw.
Knuckle deep I explored this
thinking how the wicked witch .......... do you need 'wicked witch'? Would 'she' work?
said the last to go will see
the first three go before. .................... did the scarecrow meet the witch when he was a child?
But I am not a scarecrow
nor a scared crow, standing static
in the bone-white moonlight,
crucified for no purpose, ....................... like these four lines, but don't see how they fit in with the rest.
waiting on some random waif
to come along and save me. ..................... 'random' seems a tad too modern(?)
I take a thread and needle
and sow up the rough-edged skin, .............. maybe 'sack-cloth' for 'rough-edged'?
Taking my mother's blood-red picker,
I unpick the threads around my chest .......... like it, but don't see how it follows from what precedes it?
Peeling back each fold to find
where my heart should reasonably be,
a family of field mice,
asleep within my breast.
In a nest of woven, golden wheat they lie,
their tiny bodies sighing.
With every straw-filled breath they take,
I think they stop me dying. ........................ these (8) lines are really nice, but can't see how you get to them from where you start. (Anything better than 'straw-filled breath'?)
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot
.