08-07-2024, 09:58 AM
James,
The poem encapsulates and paints a scene filled with imagistic atmosphere through narrative and mood with its detailed language. Reminds me of a tone poem as it conveys more a sense of emotional body, as one might describe a "thick" Burgundy than knowledge content and context.In terms of content the poem could be summed up as loneliness. Generally one wishes the number of words used to be smaller than the sum of it parts, but then you have the Modernist; a sort of in saying nothing one says everything, or vice versa and so does not lend itself well to cogent critique, fitting well within the framework of H.D. and the Modernist movement. Even though a nice representation of the style, the lack of an original voice still seems evident, in a similar way the Modernist rejected Romanticism yet never seem to have an acceptable replacement for it, at least in my mind.
I would say at the very least such things as (words/phrases) "ûrClouds" (oldest/primitive/primeval clouds) could do with a footnote, especially when borrowing from another language or as a work of fiction, as in, "Thomas Covenant the UrLord 1". The repetition of the phrase "The Animal" seems to serve no purpose (Try reading it aloud and listening to a playback), unless just slavishly adhering to form for forms sake. Something that does not seem justified here, nor does it move the poem along.
For a neophyte I would say this is an excellent practice piece and a good grasp of the style is evident, however the lack of an original voice is holding it back. Regardless, nice form.
Welcome to the site.
best,
dale
1 The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant is a series of ten high fantasy novels written by American author Stephen R. Donaldson.
The poem encapsulates and paints a scene filled with imagistic atmosphere through narrative and mood with its detailed language. Reminds me of a tone poem as it conveys more a sense of emotional body, as one might describe a "thick" Burgundy than knowledge content and context.In terms of content the poem could be summed up as loneliness. Generally one wishes the number of words used to be smaller than the sum of it parts, but then you have the Modernist; a sort of in saying nothing one says everything, or vice versa and so does not lend itself well to cogent critique, fitting well within the framework of H.D. and the Modernist movement. Even though a nice representation of the style, the lack of an original voice still seems evident, in a similar way the Modernist rejected Romanticism yet never seem to have an acceptable replacement for it, at least in my mind.
I would say at the very least such things as (words/phrases) "ûrClouds" (oldest/primitive/primeval clouds) could do with a footnote, especially when borrowing from another language or as a work of fiction, as in, "Thomas Covenant the UrLord 1". The repetition of the phrase "The Animal" seems to serve no purpose (Try reading it aloud and listening to a playback), unless just slavishly adhering to form for forms sake. Something that does not seem justified here, nor does it move the poem along.
For a neophyte I would say this is an excellent practice piece and a good grasp of the style is evident, however the lack of an original voice is holding it back. Regardless, nice form.
Welcome to the site.
best,
dale
1 The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant is a series of ten high fantasy novels written by American author Stephen R. Donaldson.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.