07-27-2024, 11:39 AM
(07-27-2024, 06:30 AM)Funkeldunks Wrote: My first post and first time sharing my writing.Hi FunkelD, (that's your hip-hop name from now on)
Comfort space
My memories of comfort differ from most. Like your opening but could consider cutting 'from most' as implied by 'differ'
As a small child I couldn’t help but love my home. Again, could cut indicated lines as implied. if kept needs a comma after child
My light blue blanket, a little itchy, very warm. This is not a complete sentence, though I like the rhythm. So you need to figure that out.
I would trace the little trucks with my finger. Again, nice line but would leave the period and transition directly into next, such as
"U-haul" in big letters. I remember home;
metallic green, roaring like a lion. really like roaring like a lion.
Naugahyde and wool……. see where you are going but not working as written. I think need to be at least a stand alone and then read,
'genuine faux leather and wool' to really convey your meaning. Consider putting after next line to continue the sarcasm.
Was a home ever as fine as mine?
Frost nearly ever came inside. I want this line to read 'Frost nearly never....' for alliteration and just cause. Again, seems like a stand alone or blend into next lines.
One day pulled from my comfy den. Again, not a complete sentence, but important, though likely solved by punctuation.
Mom sold the Dodge and moved right then,
And began to forget,
the first place I loved as home.
Welcome to the Pen. Congrats on having the courage to post. Others might have more insight, but I think this is a strong piece and should be in one of the critique forums.
I'm no TqB, but I hope you find my comments helpful.
Take care,
bryn

