Comfort space
#2
(07-27-2024, 06:30 AM)Funkeldunks Wrote:  My first post and first time sharing my writing.

Comfort space  

My memories of comfort differ from most.    Like your opening but could consider cutting 'from most' as implied by 'differ'
As a small child I couldn’t help but love my home.  Again, could cut indicated lines as implied. if kept needs a comma after child
My light blue blanket, a little itchy, very warm.   This is not a complete sentence, though I like the rhythm.  So you need to figure that out.
I would trace the little trucks with my finger.  Again, nice line but would leave the period and transition directly into next, such as

"U-haul" in big letters.  I remember home;
metallic green, roaring like a lion.  really like roaring like a lion.

Naugahyde and wool…….    see where you are going but not working as written.  I think need to be at least a stand alone and then read, 
'genuine faux leather and wool'  to really convey your meaning.  Consider putting after next line to continue the sarcasm.
Was a home ever as fine as mine?
Frost nearly ever came inside.   I want this line to read 'Frost nearly never....' for alliteration and just cause.  Again, seems like a stand alone or blend into next lines.
One day pulled from my comfy den.  Again, not a complete sentence, but important, though likely solved by punctuation.
Mom sold the Dodge and moved right then, 
And began to forget,
 the first place I loved as home.
Hi FunkelD, (that's your hip-hop name from now on)
Welcome to the Pen.  Congrats on having the courage to post.  Others might have more insight, but I think this is a strong piece and should be in one of the critique forums.
I'm no TqB, but I hope you find my comments helpful.
Take care,
bryn
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Messages In This Thread
Comfort space - by Funkeldunks - 07-27-2024, 06:30 AM
RE: Comfort space - by brynmawr1 - 07-27-2024, 11:39 AM
RE: Comfort space - by Funkeldunks - 07-28-2024, 08:55 AM
RE: Comfort space - by Mark A Becker - 07-30-2024, 02:16 AM
RE: Comfort space - by Funkeldunks - 07-30-2024, 08:28 AM
RE: Comfort space - by fawnmossling - 08-02-2024, 09:02 PM



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