Angelique

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Tiger,
I don't think it's there yet, but I still like the idea.


She passes by
Tuesdays and Thursdays
a little past three
in the afternoon .................... you've passes/past (and the latter feels too close to a repetition, why not 'just after three' or similar?)


always wearing headphones
and bobbing her head
to the latest beat. .................. if he cannot hear the song, as you tell us later, how does he know it's the latest beat? Also perhaps end the verse with 'headphones' - it leads more interestingly into he hear I think.

He hears the sound
of a vacuum in the hall
and succumbs to the peephole
for his twenty-second fix
of her narcotic, swaying hips ............. I don't think this line does enough, maybe something like 'of her anaesthetising hips' or similar?

tangoing with a Hoover .................... does one tango to the latest beat?
to a song he cannot hear.

I don't think there's enough of her (visually) and I'd have thought that, given his obsession, he'd have noticed a bit more than just the hips.

Best, Knot

.

Thanks, Knot. All good points. Still tinkering.