06-16-2024, 10:11 PM
Hi CRNDLSM,
this doesn't feel like a country song, more a (nitty gritty ditty) parody of one (which isn't necessarily a criticism.)
What is a problem, for me, it that 'the love of my youth' has no name, and they don't seem to be the same person throughout.
The love of my youth left me for the city
Said no one round here really made her feel pretty
A broken heart can feel pretty shitty
So I let it all out in a nitty gritty ditty .......... Assuming this is the chorus, to me it's the weakest part of the piece.
'love of my youth' is too vague, likewise 'no one round here' - is she referring to N or to people in general. And where is here?
And this 'love' doesn't seem to be the same as any in the other 'verses'.
She dumped me and went on one of the weirdest flexes
Traded in her oldsmobile for a Lexus
Dreaming she'll one day be the queen of Texas
I might a dodged a bullet being one of her exes ....... it's funny, but a bit incoherent. How does 'Lexus' lead to 'queen of Texas'? Is the joke in the contradiction between that type of car and the stereotype of the oil state of Texas? If so, maybe you could punch up the details a bit?
And if N thinks they 'dodged a bullet', then where's the 'broken heart'?
Three 'ones' in this verse. Too many.
Shed rather go to school and spend the day with her studies
Her so called friends expecting her to be slutty
While out on the weekend I let my wheels get muddy
Sitting round a fire shooting beer with my buddies ........... what does this verse have to do with the rest?
The 'so called friends line' baffles me. There's no context for it. Why would they expect that?
Oh, and you're missing an apostrophe in L1,it's she'd.
The love of my youth left me for the city
Said no one round here really made her feel pretty
A broken heart can feel pretty shitty
So I let it all out in a nitty gritty ditty
She's hustling for money, swimming in debt
Staring at her ceiling, stressed and upset
I'm outside for a minute soaking in sweat
But never regret enjoying each sunset ........... If she's left for the city already how is N outside, and where?
Goosebump breeze under shady oaks
Swinging on a bench sharing tea with the old folks
Listening to crickets while the bull frog croaks
I do what I want while the brisket smokes ....... Again, what does this have to do with the rest?
The love of my youth left me for the city
Said no one round here really made her feel pretty
A broken heart can feel pretty shitty
So I let it all out in a nitty gritty ditty
For some people nothing will ever be enough
Gotta go out and load up with more stuff
Making your way in the world can be rough
Don't lose yourself while looking for love .........But who is lost?
Granted, you can put it to music but at the moment ... it might be better figuring out what you're trying to say before doing that.
(Is she ambitious, materialistic, what? And how does N really feel about the breakup?)
These seem to me to be the strongest elements (with a couple of suggestions.)
She'd rather go to school and spend the day with her studies
....
She dumped me and went on the weirdest of flexes
Traded her Olds for a green hybrid Lexus
She's hustling for money, swimming in debt
It ain't just the spin class making her sweat
For some people nothing will ever be enough
Gotta go out and load up with more stuff
Making your way in the world can be rough
Don't lose yourself while looking for love
...
I might a dodged a bullet being one of her exes
Best, Knot
.
this doesn't feel like a country song, more a (nitty gritty ditty) parody of one (which isn't necessarily a criticism.)
What is a problem, for me, it that 'the love of my youth' has no name, and they don't seem to be the same person throughout.
The love of my youth left me for the city
Said no one round here really made her feel pretty
A broken heart can feel pretty shitty
So I let it all out in a nitty gritty ditty .......... Assuming this is the chorus, to me it's the weakest part of the piece.
'love of my youth' is too vague, likewise 'no one round here' - is she referring to N or to people in general. And where is here?
And this 'love' doesn't seem to be the same as any in the other 'verses'.
She dumped me and went on one of the weirdest flexes
Traded in her oldsmobile for a Lexus
Dreaming she'll one day be the queen of Texas
I might a dodged a bullet being one of her exes ....... it's funny, but a bit incoherent. How does 'Lexus' lead to 'queen of Texas'? Is the joke in the contradiction between that type of car and the stereotype of the oil state of Texas? If so, maybe you could punch up the details a bit?
And if N thinks they 'dodged a bullet', then where's the 'broken heart'?
Three 'ones' in this verse. Too many.
Shed rather go to school and spend the day with her studies
Her so called friends expecting her to be slutty
While out on the weekend I let my wheels get muddy
Sitting round a fire shooting beer with my buddies ........... what does this verse have to do with the rest?
The 'so called friends line' baffles me. There's no context for it. Why would they expect that?
Oh, and you're missing an apostrophe in L1,it's she'd.
The love of my youth left me for the city
Said no one round here really made her feel pretty
A broken heart can feel pretty shitty
So I let it all out in a nitty gritty ditty
She's hustling for money, swimming in debt
Staring at her ceiling, stressed and upset
I'm outside for a minute soaking in sweat
But never regret enjoying each sunset ........... If she's left for the city already how is N outside, and where?
Goosebump breeze under shady oaks
Swinging on a bench sharing tea with the old folks
Listening to crickets while the bull frog croaks
I do what I want while the brisket smokes ....... Again, what does this have to do with the rest?
The love of my youth left me for the city
Said no one round here really made her feel pretty
A broken heart can feel pretty shitty
So I let it all out in a nitty gritty ditty
For some people nothing will ever be enough
Gotta go out and load up with more stuff
Making your way in the world can be rough
Don't lose yourself while looking for love .........But who is lost?
Granted, you can put it to music but at the moment ... it might be better figuring out what you're trying to say before doing that.
(Is she ambitious, materialistic, what? And how does N really feel about the breakup?)
These seem to me to be the strongest elements (with a couple of suggestions.)
She'd rather go to school and spend the day with her studies
....
She dumped me and went on the weirdest of flexes
Traded her Olds for a green hybrid Lexus
She's hustling for money, swimming in debt
It ain't just the spin class making her sweat
For some people nothing will ever be enough
Gotta go out and load up with more stuff
Making your way in the world can be rough
Don't lose yourself while looking for love
...
I might a dodged a bullet being one of her exes
Best, Knot
.