06-16-2024, 04:09 PM
Miley,
Please include the title above the body of the poem. It makes editing easier.
This is a poem about inherited trauma, confusion, suicide, suicidal ideation, and the way that bad events can echo through a family. You’ve embodied your thoughts and feeling in a poem that utilizes confusion as a narrative device. If you want that interpretation to hold, clean up your syntax. I want correct punctuation and capped “i”s.
The italicized material indicates an unvoiced quotation, not a quotation. That interpretation clashes with the surrounding material. I suggest putting it in quotes.
I feel like you think obscuring your meaning is effective. It can be. But give me an image that holds my attention and verifies this approach. Echoes across a valley seems natural. If you want to utilize that image, maybe talk about nests as a way to let me know your nested houses on houses is meant to be that. It also lets you talk about eggs, and that would verify the idea of family and inherited trauma.
This poem requires a lot of work. Give me more reward.
For inspiration, consider Elizabeth Bishop’s poem about an artist. It requires lots of work, but the images in it compensate for the reader’s effort, letting the reader know the madness is intended:
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/4...e-man-moth
I have a similar note: it’s okay to try to write a poem that is amazing. It’s a good idea, in fact. Most poems are brief. In the time you have, devastate us, charm us, beguile us. Assign a vivid verb to your intention: What do you want to do to the audience? “I’m going to do in 100 words what most people can’t in a whole movie.” What is it? I want to hurt my audience? I want to be naked? I want to destroy hope? I want to make my struggle matter to a stranger?
The only effect you aren’t allowed is boredom. Confusion is the handmaiden of boredom unless you pair it with fascination instead. This poem is confusing. If that’s what you want, earn it with fascination and assign some utility to the confusion: “I want to confuse my audience in order to make them understand my confusion, and so I need to hold their attention in order to avoid boredom. I’ll do that with the following image.”
Something like that.
Please include the title above the body of the poem. It makes editing easier.
This is a poem about inherited trauma, confusion, suicide, suicidal ideation, and the way that bad events can echo through a family. You’ve embodied your thoughts and feeling in a poem that utilizes confusion as a narrative device. If you want that interpretation to hold, clean up your syntax. I want correct punctuation and capped “i”s.
The italicized material indicates an unvoiced quotation, not a quotation. That interpretation clashes with the surrounding material. I suggest putting it in quotes.
I feel like you think obscuring your meaning is effective. It can be. But give me an image that holds my attention and verifies this approach. Echoes across a valley seems natural. If you want to utilize that image, maybe talk about nests as a way to let me know your nested houses on houses is meant to be that. It also lets you talk about eggs, and that would verify the idea of family and inherited trauma.
This poem requires a lot of work. Give me more reward.
For inspiration, consider Elizabeth Bishop’s poem about an artist. It requires lots of work, but the images in it compensate for the reader’s effort, letting the reader know the madness is intended:
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/4...e-man-moth
I have a similar note: it’s okay to try to write a poem that is amazing. It’s a good idea, in fact. Most poems are brief. In the time you have, devastate us, charm us, beguile us. Assign a vivid verb to your intention: What do you want to do to the audience? “I’m going to do in 100 words what most people can’t in a whole movie.” What is it? I want to hurt my audience? I want to be naked? I want to destroy hope? I want to make my struggle matter to a stranger?
The only effect you aren’t allowed is boredom. Confusion is the handmaiden of boredom unless you pair it with fascination instead. This poem is confusing. If that’s what you want, earn it with fascination and assign some utility to the confusion: “I want to confuse my audience in order to make them understand my confusion, and so I need to hold their attention in order to avoid boredom. I’ll do that with the following image.”
Something like that.
A yak is normal.