06-14-2024, 12:43 AM
Hi miley,
if it's not too much of a contradiction I enjoyed this even though I didn't understand it.
The title took me one way, what I thought was an epigram (the opening four lines) confused, and the the fourth verse fell ever so slightly flat.
So bearing all that in mind, and with the requisite large handful of salt ...
red drunk she cursed
her wounds and the houses
that held them and the houses
that held them and .................................... I wonder if you could start with this verse? No idea what 'red drunk' is but it instantly grabbed and made me want to read on. (Is 'she' the Mom of the title, or some other woman? No idea.)
today it's spring ........................................ Maybe leave a line after this? It feels like one wants to draw a deep breath here and just savour the moment.
we survived
good years
and new griefs
and know new dogs that are old ............... do you need the 'know'? (threw me off, rhythmically.)
and growing older and .............................. (following on, 'and are growing older and' ?
how does one write about your brother? ... comes out of nowhere (perhaps a bit too out of nowhere?) But I like it (and where it leads.)
the pictures in the hallway are quieted ..... anything better (more visual even) than 'quieted'?
by fleeting hours ...................................... and 'fleeting' seems too clichéd
and the valley out the window
grows so dark it's ..................................... do you need 'it's'?
as though it were never there
as though it weren't
someone's eternity and ........................... 'someone' seems weak. Scared to name, perhaps?
Also, this all seemed very autumnal/wintery which seemed strange after 'today it's spring'.
i imagine myself stepping out ............... possibly 'through' for 'out'?
that valley-window
not believing in anything
but moonlight.
what i really mean is
how do i write about your brother
without writing about mine? ...............swapping the last two verses offers a stronger ending, I think.
________________
a melodrama
where the voice is cut
from its body:
first my dog, now my grandma?
This seemed like a poem on its own.
Best, Knot
.
if it's not too much of a contradiction I enjoyed this even though I didn't understand it.
The title took me one way, what I thought was an epigram (the opening four lines) confused, and the the fourth verse fell ever so slightly flat.
So bearing all that in mind, and with the requisite large handful of salt ...
red drunk she cursed
her wounds and the houses
that held them and the houses
that held them and .................................... I wonder if you could start with this verse? No idea what 'red drunk' is but it instantly grabbed and made me want to read on. (Is 'she' the Mom of the title, or some other woman? No idea.)
today it's spring ........................................ Maybe leave a line after this? It feels like one wants to draw a deep breath here and just savour the moment.
we survived
good years
and new griefs
and know new dogs that are old ............... do you need the 'know'? (threw me off, rhythmically.)
and growing older and .............................. (following on, 'and are growing older and' ?
how does one write about your brother? ... comes out of nowhere (perhaps a bit too out of nowhere?) But I like it (and where it leads.)
the pictures in the hallway are quieted ..... anything better (more visual even) than 'quieted'?
by fleeting hours ...................................... and 'fleeting' seems too clichéd
and the valley out the window
grows so dark it's ..................................... do you need 'it's'?
as though it were never there
as though it weren't
someone's eternity and ........................... 'someone' seems weak. Scared to name, perhaps?
Also, this all seemed very autumnal/wintery which seemed strange after 'today it's spring'.
i imagine myself stepping out ............... possibly 'through' for 'out'?
that valley-window
not believing in anything
but moonlight.
what i really mean is
how do i write about your brother
without writing about mine? ...............swapping the last two verses offers a stronger ending, I think.
________________
a melodrama
where the voice is cut
from its body:
first my dog, now my grandma?
This seemed like a poem on its own.
Best, Knot
.