06-10-2024, 01:15 PM
# Busker notes
A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.
But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.
A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say
than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.
These aren’t lyrics. They’re not even in the ballpark. They’re formatted incorrectly, the structure isn’t even close, and the diction is wrong.
I don’t know where to begin trying to edit this.
Lyrics have a chorus, and this doesn’t. Lyrics tend to benefit from a bridge, and this doesn’t have one. Lyrics are labeled in brackets by part type, like [Verse 1], [Chorus], [Bridge], [Verse 1 Repeated], [Chorus x 2], [Chorus Slowed Down], [Part A], and so on.
Lyrics require titling. Titles facilitate rehearsal. Untitled songs take the first chorus line as their title. This song lacks a chorus, and so it needs a title. You could argue that the first repeated line is a chorus line. In that case, the title is “A Long Long Time”. Perhaps it should be, awkwardly, “A Long Long Time (Ago)”. Here that would look like this:
“A Long Long Time (Ago)”
[Verse 1, A]
A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.
[Verse 2, A]
But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.
[Verse 1, B]
A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say
[Verse 2, B]
than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.
So far as syntax, I recommend starting each line with a capital letter. It will require the composer to reformat eventually, but that way they can track your line breaks when they put it into a composition document.
On diction, I’d say, the exclamatory “O” is bad. Use the mild exclamatory, “Oh,”.
Similarly, but more importantly, remember that you’re not the only performer of lyrics. Even if you’re the author, composer, singer and musician, the point of lyrics is that the audience gets to sing along.
And since you’re posting it for crit, the readers on PigPen are a quasi-performer.
With that in mind, edit everything to be more idiomatic. For instance, change “But now you’re a cold heart” to the more idiomatic “But now you’re cold-hearted.”
I’d say, broadly, given the length of this, I would suggest opening with the chorus. Keep it simple with half’s and wholes. Then add more words to the verse. Maybe spicier ones.
I know these are all technical notes with no bearing on the meaning, but the meaning from lyrics emerges from structure.
In general, authors opinions on what their text means become irrelevant once the text is published. With lyrics, the publication to the composer is the first crucial moment. If you correct the composers understanding after they’ve attached a melody to the text, you risk winding their genius.
So, best practice is to eliminate ambiguity before meeting with a composer. Here, I’ll spotlight a potential pitfall.
“O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.”
With the O as written, this line might mean you had sex in every position, in every hole, in every room in the house. It wouldn’t be weird for the composer to think this is an intense idea, perhaps most appropriately treated in the heavy metal genre.
If that’s what you want, rewrite the rest. If it’s not, prefer something less easy to misconstrue.
If I got into practical lyrics theory, I’d tell you that this song sounds like a rape confession. I don’t want to have to write a whole book chapter to show you this, so I’ll just say, imagine a cover band singing this to your daughter?
This interpretation isn’t helped by the line, “Your lips were like wine / and I have nothing more to say”.
Yuck.
———————
Now, this edit helps no one and I wish I hadn’t agreed to do it. Busker, I apologize for these notes. It would’ve been much more helpful to suggest that you add a chorus and reformat, but I’m trying to demonstrate some brute features of lyrics.
Features, by the way, that I don’t understand. That no one understands.
Apologies, it seems like you did title the song, “cold heart.”
A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.
But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.
A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say
than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.
These aren’t lyrics. They’re not even in the ballpark. They’re formatted incorrectly, the structure isn’t even close, and the diction is wrong.
I don’t know where to begin trying to edit this.
Lyrics have a chorus, and this doesn’t. Lyrics tend to benefit from a bridge, and this doesn’t have one. Lyrics are labeled in brackets by part type, like [Verse 1], [Chorus], [Bridge], [Verse 1 Repeated], [Chorus x 2], [Chorus Slowed Down], [Part A], and so on.
Lyrics require titling. Titles facilitate rehearsal. Untitled songs take the first chorus line as their title. This song lacks a chorus, and so it needs a title. You could argue that the first repeated line is a chorus line. In that case, the title is “A Long Long Time”. Perhaps it should be, awkwardly, “A Long Long Time (Ago)”. Here that would look like this:
“A Long Long Time (Ago)”
[Verse 1, A]
A long long time
ago, a bright new summer’s day
O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.
[Verse 2, A]
But now you’re a cold heart
and now you’re cruel.
Where once was a gold heart,
my darling, there’s wood.
[Verse 1, B]
A long long time
ago, one lovely summer’s day
your lips were wine
and I have nothing more to say
[Verse 2, B]
than don’t be a cold heart
don’t be so cruel.
Being young with an old heart,
my darling, ain’t good.
So far as syntax, I recommend starting each line with a capital letter. It will require the composer to reformat eventually, but that way they can track your line breaks when they put it into a composition document.
On diction, I’d say, the exclamatory “O” is bad. Use the mild exclamatory, “Oh,”.
Similarly, but more importantly, remember that you’re not the only performer of lyrics. Even if you’re the author, composer, singer and musician, the point of lyrics is that the audience gets to sing along.
And since you’re posting it for crit, the readers on PigPen are a quasi-performer.
With that in mind, edit everything to be more idiomatic. For instance, change “But now you’re a cold heart” to the more idiomatic “But now you’re cold-hearted.”
I’d say, broadly, given the length of this, I would suggest opening with the chorus. Keep it simple with half’s and wholes. Then add more words to the verse. Maybe spicier ones.
I know these are all technical notes with no bearing on the meaning, but the meaning from lyrics emerges from structure.
In general, authors opinions on what their text means become irrelevant once the text is published. With lyrics, the publication to the composer is the first crucial moment. If you correct the composers understanding after they’ve attached a melody to the text, you risk winding their genius.
So, best practice is to eliminate ambiguity before meeting with a composer. Here, I’ll spotlight a potential pitfall.
“O you were mine
my darling, each and every way.”
With the O as written, this line might mean you had sex in every position, in every hole, in every room in the house. It wouldn’t be weird for the composer to think this is an intense idea, perhaps most appropriately treated in the heavy metal genre.
If that’s what you want, rewrite the rest. If it’s not, prefer something less easy to misconstrue.
If I got into practical lyrics theory, I’d tell you that this song sounds like a rape confession. I don’t want to have to write a whole book chapter to show you this, so I’ll just say, imagine a cover band singing this to your daughter?
This interpretation isn’t helped by the line, “Your lips were like wine / and I have nothing more to say”.
Yuck.
———————
Now, this edit helps no one and I wish I hadn’t agreed to do it. Busker, I apologize for these notes. It would’ve been much more helpful to suggest that you add a chorus and reformat, but I’m trying to demonstrate some brute features of lyrics.
Features, by the way, that I don’t understand. That no one understands.
Apologies, it seems like you did title the song, “cold heart.”
A yak is normal.