06-10-2024, 12:03 PM
I like this! I think a really cool choice was the stilted line breaks, the first and eight lines for example. They build on the forgetfulness angle and help set a morbidly playful tone.
Line nine is definitely where I am having the most trouble, however. After reading it a second or third time I was able to get the world play going on, but I think it might be too oblique, especially since the rest of the poem has pretty straightforward language. The ending does have a bit of that going on as well, but I think it works there since it leaves the reading with some foreboding moods to ponder. In fact, I think blunting line nine would even enhance that effect.
In any case, great work! I'd also like to say this is my first post/reply on this forum and I'm glad to be here!
Line nine is definitely where I am having the most trouble, however. After reading it a second or third time I was able to get the world play going on, but I think it might be too oblique, especially since the rest of the poem has pretty straightforward language. The ending does have a bit of that going on as well, but I think it works there since it leaves the reading with some foreboding moods to ponder. In fact, I think blunting line nine would even enhance that effect.
In any case, great work! I'd also like to say this is my first post/reply on this forum and I'm glad to be here!