Finding the Surface

[CircleWalker]

Lost, broken, drowning

Voiceless, invisible

Empty 

I came to you 

I like this opening, but I would remove all of the commas you have, and put one after empty. The commas make me pause unnecessarily imo. I think without them, it's smoother to read, and it sort of becomes a bit surreal which I like.

Secrets spilled

Shame released

Tears shed

Pain endured 

 

Taught to breathe

To hear the God within

To trust

To hope

 

Guide needed

God sent

Heart opened

Voice found 

 

Forever grateful

I think it could be stronger if you went in to a few of the things that were provided in more depth, showing something tangible occuring (even if they happened internally, you can represent it in a way you can taste touch smell see hear). 

I think it communicates a message pretty cleanly, though.

Wjames, thanks for the input and kind words.

I can understand why you suggested taking out those commas, but that is just not my style. Also, part of me thinks that each of those words needs the emphasis that the commas cause ... somewhat forcing the reader to understand both the individual emotion that each represents as well as the magnitude and weight that all of them together add up to. These 6 adjectives represent the state of being that the writer was in when he came to this person. I believe that any flow that is sacrificed by listing these 6 emotional states (which are really 2 lists using the rule of 3), is worth it in order to truly reflect where the writer was psychologically when this journey began.

Also, currently I never put punctuation at the end of lines. Lines are really meaningful to me. I, so far, do not write in run-on phrases, and intend for the end of a line to be punctuation itself. Plus it prevents me from having to decided if I should use a period, comma, semi-colon, etc.etc.

Thanks for suggesting that I add more to the inner workings of the journey that this poem represents. As a result, I have added 2 stanzas (#3 and #5). I think they help to complete the story of the interactions between these 2 people and the healing/results that have flowed forward.

Finally, I have changed the title to the poem, and will post that revision soon.