05-22-2024, 01:00 AM
Hi SC,
Looks like you pretty much got all that there is to get out of this poem, it's basically just a little vignette.
I'm curious how you would suggest I further emphasize the thought fragments. I messed around with repositioning lines but I didn't like that. Thoughts?
Considering "haze," would "dust" also be too generic? I just want to preserve the image of "brushing," I'm attached to that. How about "soot?" That could also carry further implications and add a bit of ambiguity.
Cut the "along with her face," that one didn't sit right with me. I might try to rework it somehow, but I don't think it's necessary.
For the second to last stanza, consider this version (I'll post a full revision after some other people weigh in):
who’s at the door?
just
the person come
to fix my
cream of wheat.
I want it to read in sort of a jerky, staccato way.
"Could be his caretaker. My head cannon is that the man is his son. Makes for a good twist."
I intended the other person to be a caretaker, but I'm glad there's enough ambiguity for you to take it that way too. I like that interpretation, but I want to leave it more open-ended. Also reworked the final stanza a bit for readability and whatnot. You'll see in a bit
Thanks for all the help SC
aac
By the way, this is part of a chapbook I'm working on about memory, thinking, daydreaming, and the mind in general. I'm going to call "Huginn and Muninn" (Thought and Memory) after Odin's ravens from Norse mythology. Eh? Then I can use ravens on the cover art, which obviously look super cool.
Looks like you pretty much got all that there is to get out of this poem, it's basically just a little vignette.
I'm curious how you would suggest I further emphasize the thought fragments. I messed around with repositioning lines but I didn't like that. Thoughts?
Considering "haze," would "dust" also be too generic? I just want to preserve the image of "brushing," I'm attached to that. How about "soot?" That could also carry further implications and add a bit of ambiguity.
Cut the "along with her face," that one didn't sit right with me. I might try to rework it somehow, but I don't think it's necessary.
For the second to last stanza, consider this version (I'll post a full revision after some other people weigh in):
who’s at the door?
just
the person come
to fix my
cream of wheat.
I want it to read in sort of a jerky, staccato way.
"Could be his caretaker. My head cannon is that the man is his son. Makes for a good twist."
I intended the other person to be a caretaker, but I'm glad there's enough ambiguity for you to take it that way too. I like that interpretation, but I want to leave it more open-ended. Also reworked the final stanza a bit for readability and whatnot. You'll see in a bit
Thanks for all the help SC
aac
By the way, this is part of a chapbook I'm working on about memory, thinking, daydreaming, and the mind in general. I'm going to call "Huginn and Muninn" (Thought and Memory) after Odin's ravens from Norse mythology. Eh? Then I can use ravens on the cover art, which obviously look super cool.