05-21-2024, 06:38 AM
Alex,
I agree with the previous poster about the rhymes. They add a sing-song effect that is frankly inappropriate for the subject matter. Speaking of subject matter, it feels a bit icky honestly. It makes me uncomfortable, though not necessarily in a thought-provoking or mind-expanding way. Great poetry comes from pain, but I think the pain was channeled incorrectly here. I don't think that most readers are going to be interested in a violent/perverted approach to dealing with trauma like this. I also agreed with CRNDLSM that it's too long, a couple stanzas (second, fourth, etc) feel like filler. This poem would also be better without the last stanza, that's where the speaker really loses me.
Best,
aac
I agree with the previous poster about the rhymes. They add a sing-song effect that is frankly inappropriate for the subject matter. Speaking of subject matter, it feels a bit icky honestly. It makes me uncomfortable, though not necessarily in a thought-provoking or mind-expanding way. Great poetry comes from pain, but I think the pain was channeled incorrectly here. I don't think that most readers are going to be interested in a violent/perverted approach to dealing with trauma like this. I also agreed with CRNDLSM that it's too long, a couple stanzas (second, fourth, etc) feel like filler. This poem would also be better without the last stanza, that's where the speaker really loses me.
Best,
aac