Awake

[Knot]

Hi SC,
improved with the revision, but the ending feels very rushed (and, for me, that squeak/creak/sleep rhyme completely undercuts any tension with its tone.)

At night, a little boy ................... do you need 'at night'?
feigning sleep;

the sound of running water
in the bathroom sink. ................ do you need 'sink'?
Cracked light
through the door--
her shadow passing.

Slipping
labored grip, ............................... not sure whose grip is slipping or laboured.
like stretching rubber.
The sound of running water ............. in two minds about the repetition. It feels like something is building, but then nothing happens. It ends, not with a bang but a squeak.
pervades.

The knob turned with a squeak,
the door closed with a creak,
and a light flicked off--

Now the little boy could sleep. .......why now?


Just a nudge ...


a little boy
feigning sleep;
the sound of running

water in the bathroom
sink. Cracked light
through the door--

her shadow stretching
like rubber. The sound
of running ...


Best, Knot


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