05-09-2024, 06:08 AM
Hi Lizzie,
This is a great piece and there's a lot to love within it. There were a few little things as far as flow and coherence go that I'm going to mention; but no matter what I have to say, it's a fine poem.
Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt first two lines are solid!
locking behind you; it listens for chirps seems like Knot read the "it" as morning listening, I read it as the dead bolt listening at first. On looking closer at how the grammar works in this stanza, it does seem to indicate the "morning" as listening. In that case, I would agree with Knot that the idea of morning listening is a bit unclear. If your idea was to have the dead bolt listening, you may want to rework it a bit.
from your car keys,
signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot "tea pot whistles then yawns" is gorgeous imagery, though I agree with bryn that the part about the Legos doesn't quite mesh. "yawns to the clicking" to me insinuates that the tea pot is somehow following a rhythm set by the Legos.
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn. the way this line is worded is sort of confusing and contradictory, it does not paint a particularly clear image in my mind.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men— good line
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they've grown old. I like this line as well, but I feel like there might be a more concise way to put it. I can't think of anything of the top of my head, though, so it's probably fine. Maybe something like "whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear with their tender ears"? that might be a little cliché but maybe a more subtle reference to their youth might work and be a little less wordy.
Footsteps approaching
the patio door bring a quick chill: I actually don't terribly mind "bring" here, nor do I dislike the ideas brought up here in general, but I agree with others that the last stanza could be reworked.
words back in place, in their books Specifically, "word's back in place" beginning the sort of countdown of the final three lines feels too abrupt and kind of disrupts the reading. I think reordering those ideas in some fashion would improve flow. I think Knot's suggested revision sounds good, something in that vein.
lest they slip out
and blame me.
Overall, I enjoyed your poem quite a bit and many of my points were mainly small things/nitpicks. Excited to see where this goes!
Best,
aac
This is a great piece and there's a lot to love within it. There were a few little things as far as flow and coherence go that I'm going to mention; but no matter what I have to say, it's a fine poem.
Morning's awaiting the slide and the thunk
of the dead bolt first two lines are solid!
locking behind you; it listens for chirps seems like Knot read the "it" as morning listening, I read it as the dead bolt listening at first. On looking closer at how the grammar works in this stanza, it does seem to indicate the "morning" as listening. In that case, I would agree with Knot that the idea of morning listening is a bit unclear. If your idea was to have the dead bolt listening, you may want to rework it a bit.
from your car keys,
signals of hushing alarms. In the stillness, the tea pot "tea pot whistles then yawns" is gorgeous imagery, though I agree with bryn that the part about the Legos doesn't quite mesh. "yawns to the clicking" to me insinuates that the tea pot is somehow following a rhythm set by the Legos.
whistles then yawns to the clicking of Legos the kids build;
murmuring hums from the dishwasher singing its calm hymn. the way this line is worded is sort of confusing and contradictory, it does not paint a particularly clear image in my mind.
Finding my pen like a friend at a party, we talk men— good line
whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear till they've grown old. I like this line as well, but I feel like there might be a more concise way to put it. I can't think of anything of the top of my head, though, so it's probably fine. Maybe something like "whispering phrases the kids shouldn't hear with their tender ears"? that might be a little cliché but maybe a more subtle reference to their youth might work and be a little less wordy.
Footsteps approaching
the patio door bring a quick chill: I actually don't terribly mind "bring" here, nor do I dislike the ideas brought up here in general, but I agree with others that the last stanza could be reworked.
words back in place, in their books Specifically, "word's back in place" beginning the sort of countdown of the final three lines feels too abrupt and kind of disrupts the reading. I think reordering those ideas in some fashion would improve flow. I think Knot's suggested revision sounds good, something in that vein.
lest they slip out
and blame me.
Overall, I enjoyed your poem quite a bit and many of my points were mainly small things/nitpicks. Excited to see where this goes!
Best,
aac