05-08-2024, 10:45 AM
Hello
I find this interesting conceptually. Some thoughts.
I would suggest cutting the second line since it is the title. Your reader will get it .
Perhaps yawning to the kids' Legos clicking?
Most hymns are calm. I'd suggest something else.
I would definitely cut the word old. If they're grown, they're old.
The ending feels a little unclear. That part is not quite there yet.
This poem has possibilities
I find this interesting conceptually. Some thoughts.
I would suggest cutting the second line since it is the title. Your reader will get it .
Perhaps yawning to the kids' Legos clicking?
Most hymns are calm. I'd suggest something else.
I would definitely cut the word old. If they're grown, they're old.
The ending feels a little unclear. That part is not quite there yet.
This poem has possibilities