crimson bank (wt) (edit 2.75)

[Knot]

Hi ack!

Firstly, congratulations on the publication (maybe post a link when it appears?) Still doesn't absolve you from those 'literallys' though.

I think the edit is an improvement, but I'm not sure it flows that well. It doesn't quite feel like a story being told (but read.)

Wondered about 'a bowl of dust' for an alternative title, or even something like 'newborn colt'.

I shudder at the thought of him

sitting hungry for the fatta’ the land,

but only served a bowl of dust. ............. maybe revisit 'shudder'? What is it revealing about the narrator? And 'fatta' the land' doesn't convince (well, doesn't convince me anyway.) It doesn't add to the picture of 'him'

I recall him, fondly, under thin shade,

fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.

A snake bit him and he shrieked. .......... 'fondly' sets up an expectation the isn't delivered by the rest of the verse.

I recall him, under thin shade

fumbling after periscope snakes

in the creek. Shrieking like a child

when they bit, but barely

drawing blood. A big kid

really, for all his strength.

He received a pinhole wound,

unlike the gaping crater

that formed his vacant world. ....... where is the 'vacant world' if you cut this line?

We lost it all when he handled

a velvet temptation in the weeds,

should’ve never let him out of my sight. .... maybe start this verse with this line? Or, deep breath, cut it completely. It might be more interesting to go from the snake bite straight to 'I blame ...'

I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain. .... what does 'in vain' add?

The well had since dried. A husk,

like brittle chaff sprinkled through his fingertips. ... bit of a leap from well to chaff, isn't it?

Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,

succoring my soul like a balm cool as the

coffee-tinted madrone trunk. .............. do you need both 'succouring' and 'balm', and perhaps 'refrigerator tree' would be a more arresting image?

I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded

as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues.

An innocent colt bound for slaughter. ............. I think this is a better end, but for the repetition of 'colt' (and 'bright'). Perhaps something like

I recall his weeping, ragged, dumbfounded

as a newborn colt in this bright world

mother-wet and already bound for slaughter.

?

Best, Knot

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