04-28-2024, 02:24 PM
I shudder at the thought of him
sitting hungry for the fatta’ the land,
but only served a bowl of dust.
Him, ends on that note, of as if him is so important
and he is, since he's slanga real
and only gets a but
I recall him, fondly, under thin shade,
fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him and he shrieked.
He received a pinhole wound,
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.
This part is a whole Whole delivery
A spontaneous use of gag-meter.
The pinhole wound against a gaping crater is topnotch.
"that formed his vacant world" is almost weak, but you actually make it happen, here. Good work.
We lost it all when he handled
the We/he is well slipped in here
a velvet temptation in the weeds,
sounds trite and nonsensical, and is
should’ve never let him out of my sight.
I'm not reading the poem in context right now. I might do that later.
I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried. A husk,
like brittle chaff sprinkled through his fingertips.
The sonics work. 'Well' and 'vain' work.
"Sprang" and all that.
OK, like I'm that girl, Charismatic Voice talking sound, I'm talking sonic riffs and thought, husk, brittle, chaff
and through the fingertips is like through hard -- separations -- of life.
Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,
This is obviously a creepypasta confessional joke
succoring my soul like a balm cool as the
coffee-tinted madrone trunk.
blip
I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
That's a creepytrope
as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues.
An innocent colt bound for slaughter.
I'd cut colt out of one line, but the repeat works.
sitting hungry for the fatta’ the land,
but only served a bowl of dust.
Him, ends on that note, of as if him is so important
and he is, since he's slanga real
and only gets a but
I recall him, fondly, under thin shade,
fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.
A snake bit him and he shrieked.
He received a pinhole wound,
unlike the gaping crater
that formed his vacant world.
This part is a whole Whole delivery
A spontaneous use of gag-meter.
The pinhole wound against a gaping crater is topnotch.
"that formed his vacant world" is almost weak, but you actually make it happen, here. Good work.
We lost it all when he handled
the We/he is well slipped in here
a velvet temptation in the weeds,
sounds trite and nonsensical, and is
should’ve never let him out of my sight.
I'm not reading the poem in context right now. I might do that later.
I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.
The well had since dried. A husk,
like brittle chaff sprinkled through his fingertips.
The sonics work. 'Well' and 'vain' work.
"Sprang" and all that.
OK, like I'm that girl, Charismatic Voice talking sound, I'm talking sonic riffs and thought, husk, brittle, chaff
and through the fingertips is like through hard -- separations -- of life.
Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,
This is obviously a creepypasta confessional joke
succoring my soul like a balm cool as the
coffee-tinted madrone trunk.
blip
I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
That's a creepytrope
as a newborn colt in a world of bright hues.
An innocent colt bound for slaughter.
I'd cut colt out of one line, but the repeat works.