04-28-2024, 01:52 AM
Knot!
You fount of wisdom, you. Thank you for helping me to further my rework!
Here's what I'm thinkin' based on what you've just said.
Ah, so is there a reason 'Lennie' isn't the title? (Too much of a giveaway, perhaps?)
Yes, I just figured its better not to give too much away. As for title revisions, I might consider the inclusion of the phrase "fatta' the land" because its a significant phrase in the book and also is relevant to the poem.
That's what I assumed, but it seemed an odd thing to stumble over. I wondered if 'often' might serve.
I'll try it out, but I feel like I'm going to rework that opening line a tad bit more so we'll see.
I liked the madrone tree image (a new species to me.) Is the 'hugging' something from the book? If so maybe it should stay.
The hugging specifically isn't, it just seemed like something Lennie might do. Also, madrone trees have cold bark due to water storage (hence why they are sometimes referred to as 'refrigerator trees'), so I feel like that adds a sensory element? I might find a way to work it back in, because I think madrones are neat and it fits.
Just a thought, but maybe switch the order
Hmm. Maybe. I think, however, that I might just get rid of the "strikes" altogether like you suggest later because they are kind of arbitrary and just disrupt the flow a bit.
In which case, could you not risk "bowl of dust"
That was my initial consideration, I like it but I wonder if it's too blatant.
Like I say, haven't read the book, but I'm curious if it is Lennie, or the narrator who wants 'freedom'?
Both, I guess. Lennie's desires are more simple, but both George and Lennie want freedom from a life as poorly paid migrant workers and want to "live off the fatta' the land".
Would it be petty to cheer?
I'll allow it.
Bit of a risk, isn't it, for people who know the book?
How do you mean?
The perhaps you need more textures in the poem? Describe what the snakes feel like in the hand, and the bark of the tree. (Isn't that reference to 'colour' with the foal a bit misleading then, should the world be more ... tactile than visual?)
I agree that more textures would be a good idea, but I don't think the world necessarily needs to be solely tactile. Especially since the idea I'm trying to convey with that line is how Lennie is naive and overwhelmed with the world around him. The colt doesn't necessarily represent his precise experience, but a similar experience.
You've lost me here; what is prior to what? (Never mind, I'll wait for the revision.)
I think this part of my response fell victim to my hasty editing out of oversharing what I thought my poem meant once I realized that wasn't a best practice. I don't know what I'm saying there either. To clarify, the event I refer to as the second strike happened before the actual story told in the book. In the book it's a flashback/memory.
Bit convoluted (which ain't necessarily bad, but) do you actually need the phrase(s) strike one, etc? I think ending on the 'world of colour' (or whatever you replace colour with) would make for a much stronger ending.
Hmm, I think that's a good point. I'll mess around with that. Like I mentioned earlier, I think it's a good idea to axe the strikes.
Thank you so much, I'm going to work very hard on this edit now (and maybe check out the NaPM prompts even though I'm burnt out a bit).
All the best,
aac
eh? nice and streamlined, three easy letters, and no caps.
You fount of wisdom, you. Thank you for helping me to further my rework!
Here's what I'm thinkin' based on what you've just said.
Ah, so is there a reason 'Lennie' isn't the title? (Too much of a giveaway, perhaps?)
Yes, I just figured its better not to give too much away. As for title revisions, I might consider the inclusion of the phrase "fatta' the land" because its a significant phrase in the book and also is relevant to the poem.
That's what I assumed, but it seemed an odd thing to stumble over. I wondered if 'often' might serve.
I'll try it out, but I feel like I'm going to rework that opening line a tad bit more so we'll see.
I liked the madrone tree image (a new species to me.) Is the 'hugging' something from the book? If so maybe it should stay.
The hugging specifically isn't, it just seemed like something Lennie might do. Also, madrone trees have cold bark due to water storage (hence why they are sometimes referred to as 'refrigerator trees'), so I feel like that adds a sensory element? I might find a way to work it back in, because I think madrones are neat and it fits.
Just a thought, but maybe switch the order
Hmm. Maybe. I think, however, that I might just get rid of the "strikes" altogether like you suggest later because they are kind of arbitrary and just disrupt the flow a bit.
In which case, could you not risk "bowl of dust"
That was my initial consideration, I like it but I wonder if it's too blatant.
Like I say, haven't read the book, but I'm curious if it is Lennie, or the narrator who wants 'freedom'?
Both, I guess. Lennie's desires are more simple, but both George and Lennie want freedom from a life as poorly paid migrant workers and want to "live off the fatta' the land".
Would it be petty to cheer?
I'll allow it.
Bit of a risk, isn't it, for people who know the book?
How do you mean?
The perhaps you need more textures in the poem? Describe what the snakes feel like in the hand, and the bark of the tree. (Isn't that reference to 'colour' with the foal a bit misleading then, should the world be more ... tactile than visual?)
I agree that more textures would be a good idea, but I don't think the world necessarily needs to be solely tactile. Especially since the idea I'm trying to convey with that line is how Lennie is naive and overwhelmed with the world around him. The colt doesn't necessarily represent his precise experience, but a similar experience.
You've lost me here; what is prior to what? (Never mind, I'll wait for the revision.)
I think this part of my response fell victim to my hasty editing out of oversharing what I thought my poem meant once I realized that wasn't a best practice. I don't know what I'm saying there either. To clarify, the event I refer to as the second strike happened before the actual story told in the book. In the book it's a flashback/memory.
Bit convoluted (which ain't necessarily bad, but) do you actually need the phrase(s) strike one, etc? I think ending on the 'world of colour' (or whatever you replace colour with) would make for a much stronger ending.
Hmm, I think that's a good point. I'll mess around with that. Like I mentioned earlier, I think it's a good idea to axe the strikes.
Thank you so much, I'm going to work very hard on this edit now (and maybe check out the NaPM prompts even though I'm burnt out a bit).
All the best,
aac
eh? nice and streamlined, three easy letters, and no caps.