04-28-2024, 01:24 AM
Hi (insert abbr. here)
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I'm working on a new edition from it that I should be able to post here later today unless I get caught up in other stuff too much.
No rush. To each their own pace.
The person the speaker is talking about is supposed to be Lennie,
Ah, so is there a reason 'Lennie' isn't the title? (Too much of a giveaway, perhaps?)
Yes, the title is bad. It's supposed to represent an outcome of the end of the book, but I don't want to spoil that in case you haven't read it.
I haven't, but know it doesn't end well, so ... the title makes (some) sense now.
not sure what 'best' means here. I guess I meant it as "most clearly" as well as sort of "fondly", if that makes sense?
That's what I assumed, but it seemed an odd thing to stumble over. I wondered if 'often' might serve.
I'm cutting out the entirety of the third and fourth lines because they don't add anything other than vapid imagery.
I liked the madrone tree image (a new species to me.) Is the 'hugging' something from the book? If so maybe it should stay.
I still want to open with something similar to the first two lines just to kind of set the stage, but I'm going to drastically decrease the size of the opening verse and switch to couplets for the entire poem so the strikes can have their own verses.
Just a thought, but maybe switch the order to something like
The day a snake that nicked him,
he shrieked and sucked imagined venom
from ... : Strike one.
I liked your suggestion to reuse "I recall", and I decided to change the cliched "twist of fate" to the more specific "pile of dust".
Yes, that's an improvement.
The pile of dust refers to the Dust Bowl, the cause of the Great Depression.
In which case, could you not risk
I recall how he sat hungry
for a taste of freedom,
denied by a bowl of dust.
(also wonder if 'fighting over a bowl of dust' might work?)
Of Mice and Men is set in the Great Depression, so Lennie's hunger for freedom (specifically self-sufficiency) is denied by the freak famine characterized by dust.
Like I say, haven't read the book, but I'm curious if it is Lennie, or the narrator who wants 'freedom'? (Doesn't seem in keeping with Lennie's character as you've described it. A bit esoteric.)
It does now!
Excellent.
Also "unto" is gone,
Would it be petty to cheer?
The issue is that I keep jumping around with different time frames.
Beg to differ, the 'issue' is that, perhaps, it's not clear how the parts all fit together ... yet.
So, essentially the speaker (meant to be George, the other main character in Of Mice and Men) is reminiscing, hence the incessant "I recalls".
I didn't find them incessant.
The first strike is something I just made up to illustrate Lennie's childlike qualities regarding pain.
Bit of a risk, isn't it, for people who know the book?
The second strike is an event that is mentioned in the book but occurred prior to the events of the book wherein Lennie grabbed a whole of a young woman's dress and wouldn't let go.
You've lost me here; what is prior to what? (Never mind, I'll wait for the revision.)
Lennie really likes the feel of different fabrics, furs, and soft things; soft things to pet are some of the few basic pleasant things he can derive from life.
The perhaps you need more textures in the poem? Describe what the snakes feel like in the hand, and the bark of the tree. (Isn't that reference to 'colour' with the foal a bit misleading then, should the world be more ... tactile than visual?)
Also, I return to who it is that's hungry for freedom.
"In the weeds" refers to Weed, California, where the event took place.
Nice.
The reason why Strike Three is referred to as being the future is, in my view, George is thinking about his life with Lennie before his "third strike", the conclusion of the book, even though it already has occurred in his life.
Bit convoluted (which ain't necessarily bad, but) do you actually need the phrase(s) strike one, etc? I think ending on the 'world of colour' (or whatever you replace colour with) would make for a much stronger ending.
Okay. That was a lot of typing. Hopefully I cleared some things up, you certainly did for me.
You did, much appreciated.
I'll have a version 2 out fairly soon, I might wait to see if anyone else points out anything new before I post it, though.
Like I said, set your own pace. Folks here are patient ... mostly. (Be advised, you might not get much until next month, you'll have noticed that NaPM occupies a lot of people here in April.)
This is becoming a cumbersome handle, maybe I'll begin to abbr. it like you do.
Quick study.
Quick edit: I think a big issue with this poem was my attempt to ape the insipid, overly cryptic free verse that I was seeing in small lit mags I wanted to be published in. Would it be a good idea to try to add a more direct reference to OMAM? That way the poem might feel less meaningless and a little more focused.
The nice thing about edits is that nothing is permanent. (Just be sure to keep your early drafts.) Which version would you prefer?
Also I removed a lot of my explanations because I missed the bit where I'm not supposed to do that unless asked. Sorry! I'm still figuring everything out.
No-one's going to mind an explanation (that being different from a self-justification.)
Best, Knot
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