03-26-2024, 08:15 AM
Hi Wjames,
I am coming in very late but have to say I liked the original better. The few snags are relatively minor. I think you have captured the awkward moments of a new meeting well. There is a lot of banality that happens in these situations. I, of course, have some suggestions. Overall, strong piece despite any quipping!
Pretending to read a book I like the change with the bell but this first stanza is trying to convey too much information making it choppy. Maybe make it into two.
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes
about the room.
You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather. Also my favorite line. Love the connotation of grey talk also modifying the weather, brilliant!
The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself. It just occurred to me that you could fold this into the previous stanza still ending with quipping line.
At the table, you talk about the cat Fidgeting with cups/coffee/other.....
in one of the pictures on her profile, I think the rest of the stanza could be tightened but I think this is part of the banal conversation that happens when two people first meet.
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.
She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed. this was one of my favorite stanzas
She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours. this stanza didn't do much for me and would have liked it earlier but not sure where, maybe cut it.
When the drinks are finished,
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond. so, there's a little ambiguity here. A little frustrating but that's not all bad.
I am coming in very late but have to say I liked the original better. The few snags are relatively minor. I think you have captured the awkward moments of a new meeting well. There is a lot of banality that happens in these situations. I, of course, have some suggestions. Overall, strong piece despite any quipping!
Pretending to read a book I like the change with the bell but this first stanza is trying to convey too much information making it choppy. Maybe make it into two.
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes
about the room.
You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather. Also my favorite line. Love the connotation of grey talk also modifying the weather, brilliant!
The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself. It just occurred to me that you could fold this into the previous stanza still ending with quipping line.
At the table, you talk about the cat Fidgeting with cups/coffee/other.....
in one of the pictures on her profile, I think the rest of the stanza could be tightened but I think this is part of the banal conversation that happens when two people first meet.
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.
She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed. this was one of my favorite stanzas
She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours. this stanza didn't do much for me and would have liked it earlier but not sure where, maybe cut it.
When the drinks are finished,
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond. so, there's a little ambiguity here. A little frustrating but that's not all bad.