Fogwood [edit3]

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Fogwood


March Carolina dogwoods
float popcorn-blossomed … I like this line, even as the idea of dogwood trees themselves floating jars a bit 
between dew-grassed earth
and vague sailcloth sky …. There’s a surfeit of adjective-hyphen-noun pairings in this strophe. Even ‘sailcloth sky’ is one too many adjectives 

as if trees were fountaining …. I like this line 
whiteful joy from upright trunks … don’t like ‘whiteful joy’
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay… another adjective-hyphen-noun here. Needed?

or bashful Sun cascaded
flowers down each laden stem
radiantly nourishing
this ancient newborn world. … I like ‘ancient newborn’

edit1;

March Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossomed float between
dew-grassed sighing earth
and foggy sailcloth sky.

It’s as if trees were spraying
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay

or bashful Sun cascaded flowers
into each laden swelling stem
brightly nursing, nourishing
this ancient newborn world.

original version;

March Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossomed spew between
dew-grassed lemon-crocused earth
and foggy sailcloth sky.

It’s as if trees were spraying
whiteful joy from upright trunks
through boughs and branches deep into
a breath-held overlay

or bashful Sun cascading flowers
into each laden swelling stem
brightly nursing, nourishing
this ancient newborn world.