03-20-2024, 08:43 PM
Hi duke,
a wrap? Not quite, but perilously close I think.
Agree with TqB about 'vague' - do you need any modifier at all there?
S2 - should 'were' be 'are'?
Given 'fountaining' (nice verb!) what are 'upright trunks' adding?
S3 - 'radiantly' seems overkill, to me (and somewhat at odds with 'bashful') And I thought 'nursing' preferable to 'nourishing'
One last thought, I was/am a bit puzzled by 'breath-held overlay' and how it might be different from 'sailcloth sky' so might you consider switching the order of stanzas two and three? (Ending with the sun and its effects seems to change the focus of the piece right at the last.)
Best, Knot
.
a wrap? Not quite, but perilously close I think.
Agree with TqB about 'vague' - do you need any modifier at all there?
S2 - should 'were' be 'are'?
Given 'fountaining' (nice verb!) what are 'upright trunks' adding?
S3 - 'radiantly' seems overkill, to me (and somewhat at odds with 'bashful') And I thought 'nursing' preferable to 'nourishing'
One last thought, I was/am a bit puzzled by 'breath-held overlay' and how it might be different from 'sailcloth sky' so might you consider switching the order of stanzas two and three? (Ending with the sun and its effects seems to change the focus of the piece right at the last.)
Best, Knot
.