03-17-2024, 01:06 AM
Hi duke,
like the title, the opening verse and that final couplet, but it seems to lose its way in the middle: spraying, in particular, feels very off. Would the image be more like a fountain?
Another niggle, for me, is 'foggy' (I think sailcloth sky is terrific, and the modifier weakens it. Also, given the title, doesn't seem needed. Perhaps a more nautical term?)
Lastly, do you need March?
A nudge, of sorts
Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossom
floating between
dew-grassed earth
and sailcloth sky.
fountains
of whiteful joy,
brightly nursing,
nourishing all this
ancient newborn world.
Best, Knot
.
like the title, the opening verse and that final couplet, but it seems to lose its way in the middle: spraying, in particular, feels very off. Would the image be more like a fountain?
Another niggle, for me, is 'foggy' (I think sailcloth sky is terrific, and the modifier weakens it. Also, given the title, doesn't seem needed. Perhaps a more nautical term?)
Lastly, do you need March?
A nudge, of sorts
Carolina dogwoods
popcorn-blossom
floating between
dew-grassed earth
and sailcloth sky.
fountains
of whiteful joy,
brightly nursing,
nourishing all this
ancient newborn world.
Best, Knot
.