03-09-2024, 05:45 AM
(03-08-2024, 01:42 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: AnticipationGood, good, easy to see what's going on here. In moderate critique...
Bee-doo, bee-doo
the timer sounds
signaling time
from blooming heat
two sour-dough loaves
newly golden
having reached risen
potential knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery
alchemy of mixing nice alliteration with the m's here
flour, salt, water
again awakening
the evolution of
one to another.
Crusty brown
they are born
skin too thick
with heat
though already
softening
lean in and listen imperative to the reader - might justify a new sentence, typographically.
to the crackling
the ticking
of the lover’s engine that would be the oven - not quite clear here
resting after coming
home
feeling the tingle to continue the imperative, perhaps "feel" rather than "feeling?"
as salivary glands begin
their business the body
readied imagining
teeth tearing scent
of earth and sea
the releasing
steam still too hot
I wait.
Two quick specifics: could there be white space before the ultimate line, a beat/new sentence there would seem in keeping with the waiting... waiting theme. And, it's often (usually?) written "sourdough" (one word). Unless emphasizing "sour" (not sure why that would be) the hyphen could perhaps be eliminated.
In general: use of short lines portrays impatience nicely. No adverb necessary at the end - "impatiently" is implied. You could try it with long lines instead of short and see how that changes the reading (the cliche "breathless anticipation" comes to mind) but that would raise a host of decisions best avoided - where to break for every darned line.
And... never once mentioned the aroma. Of course I'm thinking of yeast-rising rather than sourdough bread, which I've never baked. Perhaps it has none.
Non-practicing atheist

