70's Love Song(edit)
#2
(01-22-2024, 12:33 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote:  Tonight, on the menu
Chicken & Dijon
Pan Sauce with Brussel
Sprouts and Apple Rice,
a Blue Apron recipe. 
 
Only Tuesday night, already the wife’s Maybe "again" instead of "already"?
been working late, she’s up 
getting a hot bath. Rod Stewart’s
down on the Sonos singing
“Have I told you lately
that I love you?” 
 
I’ve got the rice started, watching
to be sure it doesn’t boil over I like the mirror image of the hot bath and boiling water.
before I can get the Brussel sprouts on
trying to keep the cut side down
but they keep flipping like turtles.
 
The hard way I’ve learned I can’t "The hard way I've learned" sort of sounds like Yoda speak to me - I think you can make it better.
add the garlic too soon
or it will burn. Then the puppy
comes with her ravaged bear
(remember my heart)
on generation three or four
to play tug-o-war incessantly
the rice tries to overheat. Going from the previous line to this one is a bit awkward. I think you could keep the same structure but connect the images in a cleaner way, i.e 

"playing tug-o-war alone,
rice trying to overheat."
 
Periodically, the fire must be
stoked, fresh wood added This is nice - the fire adds a lot to the image, makes me think of a wood stove.
or it dwindles.  The melancholy
of the mandolin playing
 
in time with my chopping, I can’t
help singing along,
“You are my breath should I grow old
you are my lover, you’re my best friend…”
 
now the sprouts are browned and covered
to keep them warm, apples cubed I'd cut "them".
and added to the rice, the chicken
 
cooked and set aside for a needed rest
to plump and recover their juices; To me ear, "its" reads better than "their" because chicken is more singular than plural to me. I think "their" would be better if you added "breast" after chicken two lines above to make it more plural.
 
the sauce of Dijon, brown sugar, soy
and apple cider vinegar added
to the pan of fond, heated scraping I really like "the pan of fond".
until slightly thickened then crème fraiche 
whisked in off heat.  I take care plating- This stanza is lovely.
 
Then there she is hair wet and curled,
nothing but robe and appetite.  

I think you can improve on "then there she is", or remove it.  i.e
"her hair is wet and curled
as she "input action",
nothing but robe and appetite." 

I really like "nothing but robe and appetite" to end.
Hey Bryn, there's lots of great images complimenting each other here, I like it a lot.
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Messages In This Thread
70's Love Song(edit) - by brynmawr1 - 01-22-2024, 12:33 PM
RE: 70's Love Song - by Wjames - 01-23-2024, 01:21 PM
RE: 70's Love Song - by brynmawr1 - 01-26-2024, 10:23 AM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by Knot - 01-26-2024, 11:20 PM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by brynmawr1 - 01-28-2024, 09:02 AM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by Knot - 01-28-2024, 10:20 PM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by crow - 05-30-2024, 04:13 PM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by brynmawr1 - 05-31-2024, 09:22 PM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by crow - 06-02-2024, 05:16 PM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by JamesG - 08-16-2024, 10:57 PM
RE: 70's Love Song(edit) - by brynmawr1 - 08-19-2024, 06:53 AM



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