Sijo

[brynmawr1]

Curious if your version is mainly based on a syllable count?  not sure I entirely understand what you are asking.  The form calls for certain syllable guidelines but I admit to being a little lazy and haven't counted syllables per line, though I did try to have groups of syllable phrases.

I guess I'm a bit mystified by the concept of "syllable phrases"....but I'm a dim bulb when it comes to form, too much like mathematics.  That's where my mind goes blank.  I'll reread the sijo stuff.

Nothing trite about the poem.  As to "stalwart", what about "apart"?     Also maybe "the" dead instead of "their".  So much fun tinkering when it's not your poem, right?

sorry.  syllable phrases is my language.  Sijo poems are supposed to be written in blocks of syllables that amount to phrases, i think for lyrical purposes.  Each line is made up of 4 or so phrases or word groups with each line meant to have 14-16 syllables, though in english the lines can be broken up into two phrases per line.  It is better explained in the link I posted.  Seems like these are more guidelines and may be adjusted within reason as the poem dictates.

Funny, you picked out the two words I wrangled with the most.  I like the connotation of 'apart' but was leaning toward something more anthropomorphic.  How about 'stand witness'?