12-03-2023, 09:08 PM
Hello,
This simple poem effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance, learning from mistakes, and embracing both present and past experiences. The structure is clear, and the repetition of the phrase "I forgive" emphasizes the theme without sounding gimmicky. And the spiritual/religious element adds a moral compass to the poem.
However, there are quite a few cliches in it: "I will not live in the past", "I will learn from my mistakes", "I will live in the moment", "He has shown me the way"... and some that are skirting very close to cliches, like the idea of "not being defined by one's past mistakes" and "embracing the journey taken". With such a pared down poem these aphoristic cliches really stand out—and not necessarily in a good way.
Also, consider refining some lines for smoother flow, like in the second stanza, where you could potentially experiment with variations to enhance rhythm—yet, it isn't terribly clunky, anyway, so do with that what you will.
Finally, with such a deliberately tight poem it's probably redundant to say you should "add" things, but maybe consider putting in some specific experiences that could make it less abstract, less aphoristic, and more personal—and it will give the cliches a softer landing, if you decide to keep them in.
Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing it.
This simple poem effectively conveys a message of self-acceptance, learning from mistakes, and embracing both present and past experiences. The structure is clear, and the repetition of the phrase "I forgive" emphasizes the theme without sounding gimmicky. And the spiritual/religious element adds a moral compass to the poem.
However, there are quite a few cliches in it: "I will not live in the past", "I will learn from my mistakes", "I will live in the moment", "He has shown me the way"... and some that are skirting very close to cliches, like the idea of "not being defined by one's past mistakes" and "embracing the journey taken". With such a pared down poem these aphoristic cliches really stand out—and not necessarily in a good way.
Also, consider refining some lines for smoother flow, like in the second stanza, where you could potentially experiment with variations to enhance rhythm—yet, it isn't terribly clunky, anyway, so do with that what you will.
Finally, with such a deliberately tight poem it's probably redundant to say you should "add" things, but maybe consider putting in some specific experiences that could make it less abstract, less aphoristic, and more personal—and it will give the cliches a softer landing, if you decide to keep them in.
Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing it.