11-13-2023, 11:32 PM
Hi Bob (and also welcome.)
There's a nice idea here, but I think you set off on the wrong foot.
This was a day I remember
we were playing “You wear it well”
An idea popped into my head,
and the story I will tell.
- I like a good preamble as much as anyone, but this sets up something that you don't deliver, namely 'the story'.
I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.
- lacking a bit of context here, where were you when doing this? And more importantly, why?
We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.
- interesting detail.
We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.
It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.
- I think you could cut both these verses (or combine them with S2, as in
I took first turn of the needle
At the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.
“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.
- perhaps introduce a reaction to the singing, rather than these last two lines? But the quote form the song works well.
We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.
- this seems almost a non-sequitur (and certainly doesn't lead anywhere.)
We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.
- perhaps something like
we turn the music up to 10
and strutted as it played
and Phil would always interrupt
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
Phil rather comes out of nowhere, and then disappears just as fast (but 'at least it's not Slade' is funny and worth keeping, I think.)
Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.
- don't think you need this.
last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.
- The poem is very much a 'what happened' but not 'why'.
Best, Knot
.
There's a nice idea here, but I think you set off on the wrong foot.
This was a day I remember
we were playing “You wear it well”
An idea popped into my head,
and the story I will tell.
- I like a good preamble as much as anyone, but this sets up something that you don't deliver, namely 'the story'.
I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.
- lacking a bit of context here, where were you when doing this? And more importantly, why?
We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.
- interesting detail.
We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.
It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.
- I think you could cut both these verses (or combine them with S2, as in
I took first turn of the needle
At the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.
“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.
- perhaps introduce a reaction to the singing, rather than these last two lines? But the quote form the song works well.
We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.
- this seems almost a non-sequitur (and certainly doesn't lead anywhere.)
We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.
- perhaps something like
we turn the music up to 10
and strutted as it played
and Phil would always interrupt
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
Phil rather comes out of nowhere, and then disappears just as fast (but 'at least it's not Slade' is funny and worth keeping, I think.)
Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.
- don't think you need this.
last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.
- The poem is very much a 'what happened' but not 'why'.
Best, Knot
.