You wear it well

[CircleWalker]

Rod Stewart

(please read my comment at the bottom to understand my suggested lines/ideas.)

This was a day I remember       A day remembered
we were playing “You wear it well”    While playing "You wear it well"
An idea popped into my head,    Into my head, an idea
and the story I will tell.    The story I will tell
 
(I don't know that mine is an improvement, but hopefully you get the idea. And yes I know, it sounds somewhat like Yoda)

An more radical alternative might be something like this style:

  [i]"You wear it well"
  Playing on a phonograph
  A lovely day remembered
  A friend who made me laugh

(I forced the rhyme, but it could have been worse) Also, I believe it is often better just to tell a story without announcing it first) I hope that I am not saying too much or being to critical. I'm really hoping to help with something that I have struggled with. I often go through my poems and try to take out every unnecessary word that I can, though sometimes those types of words are useful in the pattern of the sounds and words as I speak them, and how my poems sound out loud matter to me.[/i]

I really do like the story itself a lot.

I asked John to get his pen out
he found one and got his pad.
I said let’s write the words down,
he said we must be mad.

We lifted the needle on the LP
to the start of this wonderful song.
he wrote down the first line,
didn’t realise it was so long.

We took turns at lifting the needle
and writing the words on the pad.
When we finished it, we were happy,
we sang it and it didn’t sound bad.

It took us quite a long time
but didn’t matter, we were having’ fun.
We’d leave our house in Duke Street.
to enjoy the Padstow sun.

“Madame Onassis got nothing on you”
we’d sing at the top of our voice.
We had to do it justice,
as we felt we had no choice.

We’d made some tasty homebrew
and were as drunk as we could be.
We’d have a go at another next day,
The Who’s record, I’m Free.

We played these records very loud.
and Phil would come in and say.
“At least it’s not bloody Slade”,
and next day we’d do Maggie May.

Never a dull moment
we really loved that LP.
And “You wear it well”,
as always meant much to me.

last year saw Rod for the first time
and a tear came to my eye.
When he sang “You wear it well”,
and fifty years had gone by.

Bob, I'm a newbie on this site also. This is only my 2nd critique.

One of the things that I have struggled with at times in my poems (I've written 10 over a 6 year period) is being what I call ... too "sentencey". By that I mean writing in a similar fashion to prose, yet structuring it as a poem. I'm no expert in the least, but there are ways to be less wordy that would make it more "poetic" in my opinion.

For instance you use: This was ... They were ... and the. I will try to make just a few suggestions with the first stanza. They are imperfect, but I hope you get the idea. And please know that I realize everyone has there own style. And feel free to totally ignore what I have said of course.