Because
#8
(10-20-2023, 05:05 PM)Lizzie Wrote:  Because the air is sick and dark,
dense with disease. 
My lungs will blacken and bleed
long before yours; you are accustomed.

Because I am the bird you left in the cave
with no one watching. This is interesting.

Because I reached out to touch your arm,
and your skin felt like leather.

Because sorrow is crawling into every corner of me I think this might be better without 'of me' - without those words, sorrow is still crawling in to every corner of the narrator - but also everywhere else as well.
like perverted scarabs. 

You woke me with the kind of kiss
that can't be ignored, the kind
that asks questions
I thought I could answer.

The clouds assemble 
and begin their grim work.  

Because you cannot see the ink in the air,
and I am tired of being your beauty—
these are the reasons why I think this line should be cut, the because's say it already.
I am going back to sleep.
Hey Lizzie, I like this one - the scene is clear with the spurned advance, but the disease, stranded bird, and stormclouds add some interesting images.
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Messages In This Thread
Because - by Lizzie - 10-20-2023, 05:05 PM
RE: Because - by dukealien - 10-21-2023, 09:38 AM
RE: Because - by Fearful Symmetry - 10-21-2023, 01:04 PM
RE: Because - by Lizzie - 10-24-2023, 12:25 PM
RE: Because - by Fearful Symmetry - 10-24-2023, 03:27 PM
RE: Because - by Lizzie - 10-27-2023, 02:09 PM
RE: Because - by TranquillityBase - 10-24-2023, 08:12 PM
RE: Because - by Wjames - 10-31-2023, 02:54 PM



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