On The Seventh Day

[O. M. Geezersnaps]

Hi, Fearful Symmetry. This piece seems about half done. It would be nice to have the snake do 7 days of creating to give it some good....symmetry. 

I think this piece is clever, with the beginning and ending especially. In the middle, it's a little hurried and muddled. It feels like a rough draft. Good content though. 

On The Seventh Day

On the seventh day
god rested but the serpent
did not. He set about -- Being the pedantic twerp I am, technically "He" could modify the snake or could modify god. I get that you're talking about the snake, but clearing up that ambiguity would make the transition from stanza 1 and stanza 2 flow better. 

making mortuaries & the clink -- I like an ampersand in titles, but not in the body of pieces. The reason is that it takes me out of the story and makes me wonder why it's there and if there's some deep significance. 
of ice inside a glass
of bourbon, each hushed -- Mortuaries are already silent(ish), so I think that you should feature something that makes a sound to combine with the clattering ice. 

by the deep tao
of their own weary
obsolescence. Unexpectedly, -- There's a kind of wry whimsy that I can get behind in this piece. I don't like "unexpectedly," and I think it's implied in the idea that he slipped past security. It's kind of clunky, and you don't need it anyway. 

he mamboed past Security -- So, security is capitalized, which implies significance. But....that significance escapes me, so I can't tell you if this bit is good or not. I do like what you did with mamboed, like the black mamba. Again, clever, but that only takes you so far if you don't develop the rest of your details; otherwise, the piece is too skeletal and exists only to display a few shiny ornaments. 
& into the great -- I'm thinking this is the Gutenberg press? If it's just books and writing in general, it's too vague to be meaningful. 
word press. He began

printing bones
on the backs of stars, -- Like a tramp stamp of the coccyx on a celebrity?    No idea. 
then the effortless

wisdom of fortune cookies. -- Effortless is good, but it could be a bit more scathing, give a little bit more edge. 
Lastly, for himself, a desk calendar. -- The dreadful evil of the office cubicle. I fully agree with the point I think you're making.  
This year, he decided, -- Like a New Year's resolution; clever again. But, do the Chinese make New Year's resolutions? I don't know, but if you're going to reference the Chinese zodiac, I would make it a point to know. 

penciling it in, -- So much banality and practicality. I can see Mr. Mamba, in his office chair with his bow tie and reading glasses. 
would be the year
of the snake. -- Yessssssss

It's a very loosely connected series of things that seem serious but not. I found it entertaining, so I hope you weren't going for deeply contemplative.  

I just think you need to put some meat on the bones.

Overall, I found it to be a pleasing and imaginative bite. 

Best,
Obnoxious Mollusk Geezersnaps