10-05-2023, 12:12 AM
Alien
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected. (this is where strict form lets poetry down, because you're changing the order of words just to fit the rhythm. It should be unexpected complexions. Also, the word miss is not very strong. Could you rework this line, or use the line to really ramp up the mystery)
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected, (this jars because it's a direct repetition, whereas the other repeats work because you have changed a word or two, thereby changing the meaning)
yet softer focus shows us hidden faces,
unrecognized in lighter spaces.
The outline of a face may be illusion—
mammalian brains configure hidden faces, (I noticed that someone suggested mammalian. The word sounds really dumb to me, though tbf it does include the word alien, kind of. Mammal sounds better but shouldn't it be human brains as other animals don't really care about aliens? Or do they...?
a primal gift from evolution. (This doesn't add much to the feeling of mystery. Maybe add something eerie or violent here. Some tension or conflict.)
The features in a face can be illusion— (Could you shorten this line? Maybe delete 'the'. The other illusion line might need this also, not really sure. The word face bothers me here. I can't think of an alternative but if you come up with one I'd be happy to check how it scans, though of course it would be my opinion only)
their eyes could follow any form. (Love this. Their eyes might not be the same as our eyes, in shape or number.)
Depending on their evolution, (The evolution of bacteria and insects on other planets could develop into alien animals/beasts. This line reminds me of that, though the tone is a little formal, or dull perhaps. You only have one line to work with, but can you hint more at the incredible possibility?)
we don't know what they're looking for.
Because this poem follows such a strict form, there will be a temptation for people to say, "I don't like it, but I think I would if you changed the form". When you use forms, remember that you are cutting your audience. It is okay to do that now and again. Using forms like this helps us write poems we wouldn't otherwise think of. There are also many poets who love to read them from time to time, when they're done to a high level. Your poem has a magical quality to it, like when you read a story about alien abductions and it's so convincing you really want to believe in aliens for a few minutes afterwards. I can easily see this appearing in a published collection. Don't give up on it. If you do try another form, keep this one as well just in case you want to go back to it. It really does have something to it. You wouldn't guess by the amount of edits I suggested, but I like it a lot.
We don't know what we're looking for.
Their lives could last for only seconds,
their outlines follow any form.
We miss complexions unexpected. (this is where strict form lets poetry down, because you're changing the order of words just to fit the rhythm. It should be unexpected complexions. Also, the word miss is not very strong. Could you rework this line, or use the line to really ramp up the mystery)
Some worlds could last for only seconds,
unrecognized in darkened spaces.
We miss complexions unexpected, (this jars because it's a direct repetition, whereas the other repeats work because you have changed a word or two, thereby changing the meaning)
yet softer focus shows us hidden faces,
unrecognized in lighter spaces.
The outline of a face may be illusion—
mammalian brains configure hidden faces, (I noticed that someone suggested mammalian. The word sounds really dumb to me, though tbf it does include the word alien, kind of. Mammal sounds better but shouldn't it be human brains as other animals don't really care about aliens? Or do they...?
a primal gift from evolution. (This doesn't add much to the feeling of mystery. Maybe add something eerie or violent here. Some tension or conflict.)
The features in a face can be illusion— (Could you shorten this line? Maybe delete 'the'. The other illusion line might need this also, not really sure. The word face bothers me here. I can't think of an alternative but if you come up with one I'd be happy to check how it scans, though of course it would be my opinion only)
their eyes could follow any form. (Love this. Their eyes might not be the same as our eyes, in shape or number.)
Depending on their evolution, (The evolution of bacteria and insects on other planets could develop into alien animals/beasts. This line reminds me of that, though the tone is a little formal, or dull perhaps. You only have one line to work with, but can you hint more at the incredible possibility?)
we don't know what they're looking for.
Because this poem follows such a strict form, there will be a temptation for people to say, "I don't like it, but I think I would if you changed the form". When you use forms, remember that you are cutting your audience. It is okay to do that now and again. Using forms like this helps us write poems we wouldn't otherwise think of. There are also many poets who love to read them from time to time, when they're done to a high level. Your poem has a magical quality to it, like when you read a story about alien abductions and it's so convincing you really want to believe in aliens for a few minutes afterwards. I can easily see this appearing in a published collection. Don't give up on it. If you do try another form, keep this one as well just in case you want to go back to it. It really does have something to it. You wouldn't guess by the amount of edits I suggested, but I like it a lot.